shake up or ship out

i realised something dreadful today
ive sunk back into my depression
i honestly have
look at the state of me
the state of my room
its christmas
i feel no joy
my hearts dead
i just want to stay alone in my despair
but inside i feel it building up
i feel myself ready to snap
i can feel it bubbling
my insides screaming
yelling
the disappointment in myself
my lack of drive
whats going on
whats with this front i have
i wanted this so bad
so much
why wont i go to get it
its right here in front of me
and i just cant reach it
i dont understand
ive let myself down
ive let everyone down
and i dont know what to do next
im back to wanting to die
it sounds drastic but it feels like the correct solution
not even him can save me
because as ive been told
apparently i d0nt want to be saved
im gona break down
this machine needs oiling
this girl needs...
she doesnt know what she needs.
love never seems to be enough
i refuse to go back to the pills.

The Ghost Of You

it always gets me
brain waves for journal posts always come at the strangest times
im lying in bed
listening to my sad playlist
and the girl next door turning her tap on and off
why did that inspire me to write?
i feel that our time apart has helped us
but i know you'll catch me when i fall
in my hour of need
ive thought about you a lot
more than perhaps i should
or thought i ever would
sometimes it makes me mad
sometimes happy
sometimes sad
my thoughts and prayers are with you and family
espically your dad
i didnt want to reply to im glad
because we'd have spent our lifes going to and fro
but i would never laugh about you
you will always be my first love
with christmas looming it brings back many memories

i can finally smile about all of this, it's a good feeling

im done being mad now.

im done.

im done crying for you.

im done.

but i'll never be done writing my shitty little poems.

and i'll never be done being scared.

because that's just me.

you can swear all you like.

but i know i've done the right thing.

you didn't deserve me.

after all we went through.

but that doesnt matter anymore.

it's all in the past.

and for the first time in what seems to have been three years

im moving on.

im happy

i go to sleep with a smile on my face

i wake up knowing someone else is thinking about me.

someone else worships the ground i walk on.

someone else would do anything for me.

someone else to laugh and love with

someone else to grow and learn with.

what happened to me is all in the past.

and that's where it's going to stay

I think we finally grew up past the hang-ups

the evil stares

The fuck you toos and i don't cares.

So hey, don't feel bad.

These things happen sometimes.

We just weren't right for each other

what happend to us?

this was always our connection
our phone call
our texts
our secret diary
that no-one else knew
we were connected
one way or another
we knew what each other thought
how to finish each others sentances
you knew when a tear was always going to fall
you knew the right time to call
the right things to say
we made mistakes
both of us
not just me
or you
both of us
its scary to know it never gona be the same
and its all gone
but nothing lasts forever
and nothing gold can stay
everything we had.
i'll be with you where ever you go.
through the eyes of the fly on the wall.
note to the girl with the tear stained face
go to bed
no-ones coming to save you

To the girl who steals my journal content...

Apparently, according to some,
i am supposed to take this as a compliment.
my writing is so good...
someone wants to pass it off as there own.
unfortunalty...
i do not.
i mean its one thing stealing facebook/myspace content...
then changing a few things
and passing it off as there own.
that i could/can just about over look.
but not my journal.
as most people know.
or most people that read this journal on a regualar basis
(because i know theres one or two of you out there)
my journal contains my most personal thoughts and feelings.
i share them with you
because i feel i can
and because it makes me feel better about things in the grand scheme of things.
and to steal my thoughts
and my feelings
and then proceed to pass them off as your own.
actually really angers me
and upsets me.
i mean if you like my writing so much and would like to use sections to help explain your own thoughts and feelings...
tell me which part and just ask.
i dont bite.
but dont ever steal the way i feel.
its pretty low.
and it angers me.

my entry....
Wednesday, May 30, 2007

news just in...
smiles back kids.took a while but im okay again.tell you later.promise.x

her entry...
Sunday, June 03, 2007

News JUST In!
smiles back kids.took a while but im okay again.tell you later.promise.x
posted by Famous*Last*Words x @ 9:27 AM 0 comments

look at that...the same?!

my entry

Monday, May 28, 2007

Be the one im waiting for?
"We all want to die like movie stars"You said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor.While above us,glowing,exploding,our dreams burst forth in light in death.Hold me and tell me..."We'll burn like stars. We'll burn as we fall. Watch as the city lights dance for us"i guess id rather die than fade away.5 A.M. on the bathroom floor from the night before.Do you find me dreadful?What a shame such a sad disgrace,Such a pretty face,But she's not regretful.Am I beautiful?Am I usable?3 A.M. on the city street,When the air is sweet,I've had my mouth full.But it seems that outside the screenSuch a pretty face often will look dreadful.Am I the star beneath the stairs?Am I a ghost upon the stage?Am I your anything?Poison hearts will never change, walk away againquod ut lacrima cado ex meus eyes. vos qua unuswe'll incontrare ancora non saperedove non sapere quando solo io saperewe'll incontrare ancoraOnce again your eyes make it hard to say goodbyeSo i'll just keep drivingWhere do you wanna go?It doesn't really matter as long as you are here with meThere's something in the air tonightSomething that makes me feel aliveWhat were the words that you said to meThat made me feel so specialOnce again your eyes make it hard to ask you whySo i sit here knuckles tightHands against the wheelYour head against the glass and you mean so much to meStay with meCigarettes and open airhand in handi said stay with mecuz every star that i see is brighter than the lastso stay with meits all we needsay goodbyenever say goodbyeholding on we've gotta tryholding on to never say goodbye

her entry

Be The One I'm wating For?
We all want to die like movie starsYou said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor.While above us,glowing,exploding,our dreams burst forth in light in death.Hold me and tell me..."We'll burn like stars.We'll burn as we fall.Watch as the city lights dance for us"i guess id rather die than fade away.5 A.M. on the bathroom floor from the night before.Do you find me dreadful?What a shame such a sad disgrace,Such a pretty face,But she's not regretful.Am I beautiful?Am I usable?3 A.M. on the city street,When the air is sweet,I've had my mouth full.But it seems that outside the screenSuch a pretty face often will look dreadful.Am I the star beneath the stairs?Am I a ghost upon the stage?Am I your anything?Poison hearts will never change, walk away againquod ut lacrima cado ex meus eyes.vos qua unuswe'll incontrare ancora non saperedove non sapere quando solo io saperewe'll incontrare ancoraOnce again your eyes make it hard to say goodbyeSo i'll just keep drivingWhere do you wanna go?It doesn't really matter as long as you are here with meThere's something in the air tonightSomething that makes me feel aliveWhat were the words that you said to meThat made me feel so specialOnce again your eyes make it hard to ask you whySo i sit here knuckles tightHands against the wheelYour head against the glass and you mean so much to meStay with meCigarettes and open airhand in handi said stay with mecuz every star that i see is brighter than the lastso stay with meits all we needsay goodbyenever say goodbyeholding on we've gotta tryholding on to never say goodbye

and again.
its all the same.
bar a few words.
like name
and age.
but seriously
copying someones work is not cool
sometimes i spend hours working out what to write in these posts
i carefully choose my words
my grammer
the way i want to write something
i dont do this so someone can steal it.
if you want to use my work.
ask.
if not just read it and learn from it like everyone else.
dont fucking steal it and pass it off as your own.
its not cool.
i have four things for you julie.
two swear fingers
a fucking smile
and your own expression of thoughts and feelings.

Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Bullshit Has A Body Count

and soon i'm not going to be allowed to have teen angst
because i wont be a teen anymore
i'll be an adult.
will this change the way i feel about things?
about myself?
of course it won't.
birthdays dont mean shit.
getting old means nothing.
its just a number.
another year here
another year there
i moved some music from my computer over to my laptop today.
music from years ago
bands i used to adore.
bands i used to spend hours waiting in the cold to meet.
and to tell how much they had changed my life.
and in one case
even saved it

i'd like to say things we're different when i was 15
but i still felt the same then
as i do now
i still had the same problems
all though i fear they're slighty worse now
i left school at 16
i was in love with my best friend
i had a boyfriend who loved me
but i didnt love back
that summer i left my boyfriend
he tried to kill himself
i flinged with my best friend and lost him forever
i moved into a house i hated
i started a college i hated with no friends
i lost my dad forever
my mum moved away
does.anyone.notice?
does.anyone.care?
was written on my mirror.
i imagined myself dead
i was a lost soul.
then i found someone
then he broke me
he cheated on me
he was all i had
my ray of light in my grim dark life
then i began drinking
no-one noticed
i began hurting
no-one noticed
no-one cared
i asked for help
it was on my mirror
no-one came
i spent my 16th year hurting
my greatest desire was for my father to find me dead in the afternoon from the night before
i wanted him to walk into my room after work
to shout and rant at me for not going to college
i wanted my blooded body to by lying on my bed
the cream 'dining room' walls sprayed scarlet with my blood
the gashes clear to see in my wrists
the blood all dried and my beautiful body already starting to decay
how could you let this happen dad?
i wanted you to see that.
and then i wanted you to wake up in the middle the night for the rest of your life wondering what you could have done to save me
the answer isnt hard
it wasnt
all you had to do was be there for me
and you couldnt be.
i wish i'd spent my 16th year doing normal 16 year old girl things.
but i didnt.
and i cant turn back the clock
now im almost 20
whats changed.
im single
i can have any bloke i want
if i want to have sex
i go and get it
if i want someone to take me out on a date
they do
ive fought depression
ive not come out the other side yet
but im getting there
ive watched my mother almost die
ive watched and helped her fight cancer and stills
i almost gave my own life away when i took a few too many prescription pain killers
ive been no angel
and ive had harming relapses
i have no regrets
ive learned from my mistakes
and ive grown
i'll get there

music does this to you
it takes you back
back to the bad days
back to the last time you heard a particular song and you where crying your heart out
because some basterd ripped your heart out and stamped on it
in one way or another
it reminds you of the people you'd rather forget
it takes you back all those years
when you knew nothing about the world
about the boys you would end up dating
and your tiny heart they would break
you knew nothing about the way your family would pan out
and then when you do
music fixes its all
sometimes it makes it worse
but most time it fixes you
reminds you that it wasnt your fault the boys you dated didnt care
or that it wasnt your fault your family split

maybe being 20 wont be that bad
maybe leaving 7 years of teen angst wont hurt that much.
ill let you know in march

and you never know when someone could call it quits

Two very different seperate events have took place in my life over the past two days.
These events have make me rethink the way i live and lead my own life.
I need to put 115% into everything i do.
I need to grab the oppourtunitys with open hands.
If i'm tired.
Screw it.
I have to keep going.
I need to sort this mess out i call life.
And i need to do it with a smile.
It's important not to be content with the simple, easy life.
Also push yourself.
Do something everyday that scares you.
I'll write something a bit longer when i know how to word it.
Until then.
i love you.x

come one, come all, to this tragic affair.

and i cant believe my sunday night has come to this
a glass of red wine
3 amerettos and coke
4 vokdas and coke
where did i let it all go wrong
now im eating cheese puffs on tortillia wraps
due to lack of bread
i guess its like a fancy cheese butty
i didnt do any of the things i wanted to do today
cept iron
i feel really close to someone
someone who doesnt know who i am
i read his journals
and i felt like we'd clicked.
clearly we've not
he doesnt know who i am
but how awesome would it be if we could be friends
i love your voice
but i dont find u particually attractive
but your words just do something to me
i wish you'd come on aim and talk to me.
its been the strangest weekend ever
i felt super down

running before you can walk

i ran so fast i fell off the edge and forgot what i was missing
and how much i was needed
i had a great night with the best
it was so great to see her again
and then i went home
everything changed
i felt the atmosphere go
i was running away
i forgot to look back
im pretending its not happening
im falling into the cliche of only caring about the silly things
i just wanted to forget
and get away
is that too much to ask?
friday ill sort everything out
monday no messing around.

this was gona be a carrie bradshaw rant

so i make tea
and i dont burn the kitchen down
and im sat doing my usual spinster thing
eating my tea
glass of red wine
and the girls from sex and the city
all of a sudden 4 crawl out of the woodwork
i am plagued
completely
so hands up
who wants to save me.

now for this week.

and this last week.
ive not been able to shake those exs.
not even exs.
just guys ive dated and never called back.
note to self.
never do that again.
infact never date again.
im prefectly happy the way i am.
i dont know why i have moments of weakness when i feel i need someone.
maybe its instint.
maybe its bollocks.
its bollocks.
im so excited for this week its looking promising after a dodgey start.
tomorrow.
classes. cleaning. food shopping.
wednesday
classes. dinner at grans. shopping and catch up with the best.
thursday
manchester
friday
catch up
saturday
work
sunday
catch up
and then im back to monday again
weeks go so fast
and days dont even feel long
i need to put more effort into my studies
and less into my social life.

you missed this last week.

This last week ive experienced a lot of changes
But still something doesn’t feel right
This is supposed to be my fresh start
But it doesn’t feel all so fresh
Im still haunted by my past
Namely the past flings
Some good
Most super bad
Im always looking for something
Im too picky
Too fussy
But some how im what every bloke wants

call me big headed if you like

i dont care
I manover myself to be just what they want
Say what they want to hear
Do what they want to see
But there is never a bloke that I want to be with

and to be myself with.
Not forever anyway
Noone just gets me
Maybe this is a defence mechnanism
But its been a long time since ive meet someone that makes my heart skip a beat
Someone that has my attention constanly
Someone that makes me not want to look at any other man
Theres no-one that makes me feel that way
Theres no chemistry between me and someone that is enough to cause a reaction to blow up this place
Maybe I just don’t want to make another mistake like them

Sometimes I love my single self
My spinster ways
The way I don’t depend on anyone
But days like today
I don’t
I wish I had a man here to cuddle me and make me feel better
Even though there is puss on my throat
And even though I look like an ugly mess
Someone to save me from all the spiders
Someone to hold me close
And text me and ring me even though he’s a way away
I know one day I’ll find the man I want
But until then
I’ll continue to look
With my legs closed.

Friday morning
The early hours
I cant see the wood for the trees
But I just want a bf
Someone new
Someone who makes my tum flip
Someone who makes me happy
The past is there
And it should stay there
But certain things bring it back
Certain songs
i.e. mugshot
are we done?
Do your nights fell incomplete without our phone calls?
Mine do.
Maybe im just missing a routine
or is it the fact that im losing the best friend i ever had.

im sorry

for pushing you away
for being a man eater
for drinking too much
for crying about nothing
for failing at life
for putting other people first
for being a shitty best friend
for being a mess
you'd think after three glasses of red wine
and a bottle of beer
things would be looking up.
wrong
im one of those girls
that goes through life completely single
because thats what she wants
then she hits 35 and realises everyone else is married
with a family
and im old and alone

RE: An Open Letter

in a phrase to cut these lips
i loved you
i remember being immensely happy with you
like the time i had a mouth full of ice cream
and then i laughed
and spat it all over your face
that would have been a breaking up offence
not for you
i remember the flowers
i remember the daffadils
i remember the 'i love you' outside oxford road station
and then i walked home in the rain feeling like i had everything
but i didnt
id never been so happy
but really id never been so hurt
because it was all lies really.
we went down hill from there
i was a mess because of you
i loved you more than anything
or anyone
i loved you more than my own life
i wanted you no matter the cost
but infidelty seemed to be your thing
once you cross that line
and break that trust
its game over
i guess you couldnt wait
to everyone else it was okay.
not to me.
i'd given myself away to you
and you'd thrown it back in my face.
sure we had some beautiful times together
but also some dreadful truely aweful times.
like the time i got diagnoised with serve depression
because i thought my mum was going to die from cancer
and you saw it fit to leave me and go shopping with some other girl
while i poured my heart out on the phone
and you hung up so i redialed
we contined this circle for about an hour
and you still wouldnt come to me
til in the end my phone broke from as my salty tears found there way into the wires and cicuits.
sure i did some shitty things to you.
but because i always wanted to get you back.
i wanted to get one more over on you.
get my own back on what you did to me.
you made my heart crack and break
i felt it
and i guess its still not back together right
but i've vowed never to feel it again.
i guess i like to think you ruined it for everyone
because im not willing to let anyone else as close
no-one
im not willing to fall in love again
no matter how appealing
or beautiful
or wonderful
it always ends up bad
i wished our love was as perfect as your journal entries made it seem
i wish things could have been different
and i know for a fact
that minus the infidelitys
they would have been.
but yes
we will always have that wall around us
and that haven to escpae too
that wall of sweet words and gestures
but im not sure how often we'll visit
or if the wall will crack and break
i dont know where we go from here
just wanted you too know.xxx

An Amazing August

things turn around so fast.
im so happy.
i could shout from rooftops.
and run through fields.
laughing.
crying.
and screaming.
i have my three best friends
and they have my back
no matter what
i think of all these nice romantic things to do
cept i cant do it alone
'romance is dead' i utter.
'it's not' you smile.
you just need someone to think of the nice things to do for you.
then do them.
if you where mine id treat you like a princess
love you until my heart burst
hold you every night until you fall asleep
look at you just because your beautiful
introduce you as my girlfriend
i will always be there for you
i wont ever leave you
if this is not what you want
screw it
were best friends
but i wont leave you again
im sorry for not being there
i saw the new hellogoodbye video the other day
i loved it
its super sweet.
what, you love me?
*smile*
theres a lot of love floating around at the moment.
mainly i know most of its lust
not love that chills you to the core
or changes your life.
i wonder how many true loves we do have in our life.
i always believed it was one.
you can only love one person fully
completely
and passionately.
but who knows.
welcome to my amazing august
i have to go eat last nights pizza with my best friend
and drink diet coke
and be everything we ever want to be.
Lily Trouble signing off from her amazing august

'Baby, it's fact

That our love is true

The way black is black

And blue is just blue

My love is true

It's a matter of fact

Oh, and you love me too

It's as simple as that

Baby, our love is true.'

and i had a trillion things to say. but the words wont write themselves

the last week has been a whirlwind
now its over
and i feel really sad about it
infact i dont like it
ive never wanted to leave as much as i do now
i need to sort my life out
and make a fresh start
decide who i want to be
and where i want to go.
i miss the tour life.
ive only been gone a day.
you know when things hit rock bottom and they cant get worse?
well they just did.

things cant get worse.

only better right?
childhood dreaming is a thing of the past

I can always trust you to be there for me, fall out boy cds

This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
But we never stood a chance
I know this hurts, it was meant to
But it must be said again that all us girls are just writing
Into journals for attention
Because we're just so bored
I'm falling apart to Fall Out Boy songs about hips and hearts
I used to obsess over living,
Now I only obsess over you
Tell me you'd like girls like me better
In the dark lying underneth of you
From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How my worst fears are letting out
He said why put a new address
On the same old loneliness
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness
And this is you and me
And me and you
Until we've got nothing left

me, oh yes, i'm in the business of misery

and drama rides on my back.
how lucky is that.
i dont even know what i need to say
or want to say for that matter.
i need this break more than ever.
i really need to pack.

from my worst day ever

to new starts
i feel like its all gona work
my two old best friends back in my life.
the two guys i spent my summers with
climbing trees
skate boarding
and being put into bins.
i offically had the worst day of my life.
but its all getting better now.
i can feel it in my water as they say.
somethings will always be shitty so im not looking
or planning too much on them.
i stared into oblivion
and found my own
i dont feel scared anymore
i dont feel alone
i want to let people in
people to help me and save me
its all good
im gona nail uni this year
i promise
to fresh starts
holidays with the best
drinks with the olds
journliam and music
to being a top writer
and an all ound happy person.
x

end result of so many meetings

things change so quickly
you cant even notice
i plunge deeper and deeper
but my smile wont fail me
i try to make everything okay
but its a lot harder than it seems
i cant run away to chicago
im not allowed
so i do the next best thing
run down south
i feel like theres so much more
out there
just waiting to be found
but i cant find it here
here i drink myself to sleep
is it best for us to be complete stangers
and to be together in our dreams
or do we find the time
and let what happens, happen?
i want to fall hopelessly in love
i want to be happy
and have a big house
i want the perfect family
and the perfect waistline
but nothings perfect
and something that is
never lasts forever.
it feels like all the good lines have been said
and all the best melodies have been taken
but take away the bad lines and worst melodies
what are u left with?

this broken heart has many a tale to tell

things feel kinda strange lately

by lately i mean perhaps the last 2 days

as i watched the cold rain fall from the sky

it hit my face

like a gentle tear from the sky

it landed on my face with grace and style

at the same time i watched the warm air from my loving lungs leave and

as it collied with the outside world

it changed into a white mist

unforgiving

undesirable

and miserable.

i cant tell u how much i need to get on a plane

how much i need to go to chicago

how much i need this space

and today was a day, just like any other

in a world of plenty
we can never have what we want
are we honest
do we fight for our rights
or do we slump into the background
and end up with what we never really wanted
but have it because its less hassle
i had a little girl last night
Lilian Mae Chivers.
she was so beautiful.
bright blue eyes and fair brown hair.
she smiled like nothing ive ever seen.
she held one of my fingers so tightly i knew she was all i needed.
my family where there.
proud and not mad.
it hurt so much.
but it was all worth it.
she was so beautiful.
i knew i could make it work.
all she had to do was smile.
her dad was no where to be seen.
only because he didnt know.
ten tiny fingers
ten tiny toes
a smile that could knock you out
and bright blue eyes that shined like the sea.
she was a symbol of happiness, love and joy.
it felt so real.
i awoke to find no baby, no bump and no man.
this feels like the hardest thing.
honestly is something we should honer.
broken hearts like promises and dreams.
i either do this or i dont.
i either get happy or i dont.
its been a bad day
another bad day
and all i wana do is look at you and know im okay.
are we the romeo and juliet of our time.
are we the kids who make fucking up look cool.
its all about sweating out excuses that would make your stomach turn.

this is our last good night

it was about time we reached 100.
did we ever think we'd end up like this a year ago
once lovers now haters
once bests now enemies
theres nothing more we can say
we turned all the cards on our table
used all the lines up on this page
finished the chapter
and this time we cant even blame the wine
i wish it could all change
but theres only so many times we can keep this up.
dial 155 baby
she'll answer

dance like no-ones watching

we press on
we learn and we grow
although pherhaps we dont see it
infact we know we dont
i think today i opened a new chapter in the story of my life
a job interview
i guess its time i changed the page
but its hard too
much harder than you'll ever know.
ive discovered that from ever relationship you have
you take something away from it with you
sometimes its good
sometimes its bad
for example
ive learnt that when someone tells you they will be there for you
there lieing to you
there are only two people in your whole life who will be there for you
no matter what
your mum and your best friend
these two people will never judge you
or question you
but will always, no matter what
be there for you.
lets see what tonight brings.
next aim in life
to attend angels and kings bar in nyc.x

what are we getting into?

on days like these
i often have a million things to write
but i just cant put them into words.
as usual.
as usual its the same drill.
drive alone
cry a bit
come home
blog
sad playlist
i miss my ex boyfriends
and the times we shared
the good times
i miss my american friends
and they texts and calls making my day
i miss innocence
and happyness
and true love.
i miss everything that hurts the most
i always want what i cant have
and it seems nowadays all i do is pull my famous fake smile
that only one person can see through.
but shes got her own hassles and worries at the moment.
and to be honest.
im proper worried about her.
she needs to get it all off her chest.
we need this trip down south more than anything
its gona be so awesome
abuse the camera please?
did my prom dress look good?

Always Allways.

so i havnt been around for a while
for a number of reasons
one being i couldnt be arsed with the internet
another being i dont want to remember the past week or so
and ive been busy with real life.
but that doesnt mean i havnt been writing
ive been writing in my head
which makes me think a lot
i went for the best drive the other night
i should have been scared
but i wasnt
i went upto rivi
drove across the top
like where my dad used to take me
and then to my fav fav fav place ever
to watch all the lights and the world pass me by
it was so peaceful and beautiful
it really puts things into perspective for me.
ive spent a lot of time thinking lately
where did it all go wrong
the infidelity
the lies
the heartache
and the pain
because since then it hasnt seemed to get much better for me
maybe until now
i wont rant and rave
it doesnt feel that way
it feels different from ever before
its funny how opposites attract
and maybe this is where ive been going wrong all these times
maybe i need this boy
whos daft enough to call up and ask if id like some chocolate
someone whos texts me to tell me he misses me
and he really really likes me
maybe
just maybe
i need someone whos different to me
someone who doesnt know who fall out boy are, but understands my pete obessions.
someone who doesnt bum the internet, or even knows how to use it.
someone who couldnt really give two shits about what nme think, or anyone else for that matter.
someone who thinks that hellogoodbye song is pretty good, but wonders why there called hellogoodbye.
someone who will listen to me, and tell me the truth no matter what.
someone who will teach me how to cook, or try.
someone who tells me im beautiful everyday, even in the morning.
someone who brings a smile to my face, and a laugh to my lips.
someone whos great with kids, and would be an amazing dad.
someone whos going somewhere, and wants to take me with him.
someone who wants to be loved, and fall in love.
someone who really cant spell, or is good with words.
someone no-one would think is romantic, but really is.
someone who i wouldnt have thought i would be with in a million years, but somehow ended up with him.
its my time to be happy.
its my time to shine.x

in these extremes
we take a bow
and take a pill
it never looked so attractive

I just fell in love with Kelly Clarkson...there should be more songs like this.

Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since You Been Gone
You dedicated
You took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since You Been Gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But Since You Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, Yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since You Been Gone
How can I put it?
You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, Yeah
Since You Been Gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way
You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, Out of mind
Shut your mouth
I just can't take it
Again
And again
And again
And again!

I've so moved on.

news just in...

smiles back kids.
took a while but im okay again.
tell you later.
promise.x

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Get The Fuck Off My Panties"

oh i forgot to say
said i loved you
but i lied.
i have such a way with words.
i finally found what i was good at.
my smiles your rope
wrap it tight around your throat darling

Baby, i'd rather be lonely in love, than alive with you and fucking dead

ive been asked to write some lyrics
and to in fact sing them
dont laugh too loud
i may hear you...
and for once believe me.
im lost for words
i dont know what i should write a song about
contained in this journal
i bet there's a full albums worth of lyrics
but i just dont know where to start
and i cant ever see myself on stage, singing.
i can see myself acting
or on the runway
but just dont singing.
hes crazy to think i can actually do it
but what i do know is that this summer i'm gona start my novel
its gona just be about my life upto now.
but im gona change all the names.
and make it a tad more interesting.
your so brilliant
dont you forget.
its true when they say we're the children of the heartbreak generation
the kids that live and die by the pinkie promises
we're so lucky to have what we have
and few of us dont appriate it.
life is indeed what we make of it.
i had a better idea
listen to from under the cock tree for a year
and think about the time my makeup stained your pillow case.
you'll never be the same.
Of All The Vodka Bars In Wigan
i can feel that winning smile of mine creeping back already.
I Slept With Lily Mae And All I Got Was This Stupid Journal Entry Written About Me
i could do this all night.
infact i may well do.
boys like you are so overrated.
suprising it took me this long to see.
winning smiles back.
Chicago Is So Gonna Be In Two Years Time.
i hope this curse on your lips tastes of me forever.

Be the one im waiting for?

"We all want to die like movie stars"
You said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor.
While above us,
glowing,
exploding,
our dreams burst forth in light in death.
Hold me and tell me...
"We'll burn like stars. We'll burn as we fall. Watch as the city lights dance for us"
i guess id rather die than fade away.
5 A.M. on the bathroom floor from the night before.
Do you find me dreadful?
What a shame such a sad disgrace,
Such a pretty face,
But she's not regretful.
Am I beautiful?
Am I usable?
3 A.M. on the city street,
When the air is sweet,
I've had my mouth full.
But it seems that outside the screen
Such a pretty face often will look dreadful.
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Poison hearts will never change, walk away again
quod ut lacrima cado ex meus eyes. vos qua unus
we'll incontrare ancora non sapere
dove non sapere quando solo io sapere
we'll incontrare ancora
Once again your eyes make it hard to say goodbye
So i'll just keep driving
Where do you wanna go?
It doesn't really matter as long as you are here with me
There's something in the air tonight
Something that makes me feel alive
What were the words that you said to me
That made me feel so special
Once again your eyes make it hard to ask you why
So i sit here knuckles tight
Hands against the wheel
Your head against the glass and you mean so much to me
Stay with me
Cigarettes and open air
hand in hand
i said stay with me
cuz every star that i see is brighter than the last
so stay with me
its all we need
say goodbye
never say goodbye
holding on we've gotta try
holding on to never say goodbye

i found this, its from April...

And Lily Mae doesn’t know what to say for change
Her heart rings true
But she doesn’t know what to ring about
Does she ring about the unfairness
Or the unfairness of girls whose mothers have cancer
In the bathroom is where I want you
Yes you
The one you thought id forgot you
The one that hits the spot
Madly in love
Be a gentleman and charming
Go slow
I dont want to be in love
I dont want to fall in love
In the bathroom is where id have you
Its where id shag you
A place so tacky
A place you'd love.
Tell me everything turns out okay?
Does she believe in the dreams we talked about
And with no music we danced.

this feels like it relates to now.
real update later.x

i had the notion that you'd make me change my ways

all we are is empty promises
and fake smiles
happy fronts while we die inside
i guess thats just the way the world works
i dont wana talk anymore
im still not done spilling my tears for you
my front told me i was
my heart wasnt ready to stop
after everything ive been through
and still nothing works out for me
i bet someone out there has all my luck
all my happy times
and im stuck with all there bad luck
and all there sad times
well i hope that person truly loves everything they have
because i would kill for it
im about to fail my first year at uni
dont try to tell me im not
because i am.
i know i am.
and i cant even live out next year.
my mums ill again.
just as we think shes getting better
shes ill again.
thank god for small mercys as least shes not hospital ill again.
but shes still ill
and shes not gona get better.
no matter what anyone says
and then him.
i know all anyone can say hes not worth it
and no-one can see why im so upset.
but i did really like him
i opened upto him
i knew it was all ending in summer
but i never expected it to get cut short
and with it getting cut short
it changed everything
it changed the romance
the way we would spend the last night together
how it was something other than us pulling us apart
how it was a notebook romance
its all gone
the bond we shared
the laughs
and tears
all i seem to have is my friends
but there all wrapped up in whos shagging who
and plus they all have there own problems and issues to deal with.
so i guess nobody knows but me
someone told me they admire me today
i wouldnt admire me
i wish i could
but i wouldnt
a wise man once told me to never give up
here i am 19 years into it
and giving up is the easiest thing to do
but walking away is still the hardest thing to do
i want to thank my cutie american sweetheart
for doing everything right today
without even realising it.
voicemails to tell me something amazing when i wake up
and phone calls to stop my tears from falling.
perfect timing
i love you more.
promise.
sweet dreams

i dont need you

im good to go
but its not like im going anywhere fast.
or soon.
a week tomorrow
he'll be gone.
and become nothing but a vivid memory.
cross my heart
so after long contemplation.
i have decided.
theres just no room in my life for a man
im such a busy girl
i wana go out with my friends
watch bands
write
of course ive got to work
and go to uni.
all this while trying to be Miss Wigan
and persue a journalism career.
theres just no room for some prat whos trying to hold me down.
today is a new start.
i know its like 7pm
but its never to late for a fresh start
tidy room
uni work
early night
early start
uni libary
i dont need a man
im over you.

she cried so hard at 2am

last night i sat outside for about 2 hours
around the time of 2am
it was so peaceful
perfect
i came to some conclusions
and i wrote a prose.

i almost said i love you when we we're on the beach
even if for a second
i wish you felt that way about me
just once
and the same sky we will both always look at
tonight i sit and pick apart your words
and over analysis your pictures
if i ripped your heart apart at the seams maybe then you would know how i feel
dont go worrying about me
its not like i think about you constantly
maybe i do
but that shouldnt affect you
its not like it ever did
i let you get the best of me
but life goes on without you
and my world still turns when your not around
its just a shame that all the words i have to say
will never leave my mouth.

so why is this so hard to just give to you.

the words just arnt coming out right tonight

all i can do is listen to depressing songs.
and pretend they where written about me
and also think about if i should text you or not.
i want to see you.
as much as i can before you leave.
but how can i tell you that?
i think so much of you
but i know you dont feel the same
we shouldnt be used to let downs.
it should work so we can have what we want.
but if we did that
we wouldnt appriate what we would end up with.

and this story is about love, the man i loved is...

my head is fucked.
my heart is broke.
all thats left to do is finish the story
and the fairytale
and of course
write about it.
we all know the ending
and its no happy one.
it never was going to be.
i knew it would end up this way.
we both did.
the greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return.
i want you to invite me to stay with you.
for us to long email each other every month
with whats new.
what sucks.
how we miss each other.
i know you still feel the same
i can see it in your eyes.
and i can read you like a book.
like you said we were living together at one point.
...left and leaving

a short story with a tragic ending.

and in living for the moment.
the band aids just fell off i guess.
good job i have the best of friends to stick them back again.
we always knew it would end up this way.
but we didnt seem to care at the time.
well i guess i didnt.
but with one kiss.
these lips could never lie.
why did you kiss me?
i'll never understand.
and i'll never know.
because i'll never ask.
all my makeup cant hide the fact that you'll be gone soon.
and you wont be coming back.
i miss you quite terrible.
i fell in love.
in love with you suddenly.
and there is no place else i could be.
but here in your arms.
i wonder if you ever read this.
i wonder how your ego reacts.
tonight i will shine
but you wont see.
i doubt you'll be there.
did i ever ask...
where is your heart?
does it even still beat in that cave you call a chest?
and she smiles sweetly as he walks by.
she contiunes to look forward.
and he glaces back at her.
wishing she was still his.

I cant give up, its just not in my nature.

If you have to leave.
Let it go.
And if it's these dreams that keep you awake.
If you have to leave.
Just let it go.
Walk away.
And the waiting is the hardest thing to take.
In a moment more before we break into two.
I need a fairytale dont I.

"I wish there was something I could say,
To erase each and every page you've been through,
Even though it's not my place to save you,
I won't stand aside and listen to you give up,
If you just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have,
If you just hold on, just hold on,
These arms remain stretched out to you,
Maybe someday you'll accept them,
Or maybe it's too late to save.
A young girl's heart that's long stopped beating,
Wake up, wake up, you've gotta believe,
Wake up, wake up, you can't give up,
Time keeps going on without us,
Long after we're dead and gone
If you just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have,
If you just hold on, just hold on,
If you just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have,
If you just hold on, just hold on,
You will wake up tomorrow."

This song saved me tonight.

Things are gonna change now for the better Lil, promise.

i want to break every clock.
i want to be your last first kiss.
i have men forming a line to date me.
but i cant understand why.
and i dont really like it.
at all.
i'm still busy searching.
and to be honest.
i dont think hes out there.
but i wont settle for anything less.
only him.
and do you remember when cardboard boxes could take us miles?
there is no mathematics when it comes to love.
and loss.
is it over now?
its not over now.
its over now.
two months felt like years.
the night was young.
so where we.
we didnt want any promises.
i only wanted you to miss me a little bit.
All hail the heartbreaker.
the truth is ive never fallen so hard.
its took everything in me to forget your sweater so far.

let it never be said that the romance is dead

and she screams
cold blooded murder.
we draw hearts on out hands
arms
legs
stomachs
but never in our heads.
where too scared for that.
we're young.
we live once.
we live to tell our tales.
and we die for our dreams.
our young hearts should run free.
but 99% of youths wont let them.
we all want something we cant have.
and when we get it.
it isnt really what we wanted in the first place.
for example.
i'd love to makeout with Pete Wentz.
if i ever do
it will be a big let down.
i promise.
because when you want something like that.
its always a let down.
life wouldnt be worth living if it wasnt a challange.
so grab every moment by the balls.
and capture it in a photograph.
or at least a mental one.
never forget the tears you split over the boys you dated.
so when you meet the love of your life.
he can give them all back in laugher and smiles.
romance might be dead.
but in the corner of my mind.
its singing
dont give up
dont let go
someone will kiss you so hard
you'll heart will melt.
someone will do something great
that will make your legs jelly.
someone will make amazing love to you
that will make you fall so hard.
someone will love you with all there heart
and all there soul.
you'll just have to marry them.
dont give up kiddo.
you've got the world at your feet.

short and (notso)sweet. a tad like you

and just like any other
today has been a funny old day.
yesterday was maybe worse.
a fat tart of a hooker.
i do feel those where the words to describe little old me.
for once.
i think i wish i was someone else.
but i do know i always want to be somewhere else.
im kinda getting sick of dating
and wondering
and wasting time.
its crazy but i just wana meet the right person now.
and be done with it.
i dont wana fuck around.
trying not to get hurt.
believeing ever single lie.
part of me wants to scream.
'if my writings so good why am i getting no where fast.'
dear me.
'if im so pretty why am i single'
'why am i alone?'
'Why am i not a model'
its 3am and we are far from being on the floor again.
god damn.
today i came to the conclusion
im in love with the idea of being in love.
you know what i never asked.
Where the fuck is your heart?

and as i climb into an empty bed...

oh well.
enough said.
i have more to say today.
much more.
often i've said my life would make an amazing novel.
often i am right.
and as he yells from the closet door.
why are you on your own tonight.
if your so pretty.
if your so funny.
if your so clever.
i know its over.
love is nateral and real.
but not for people like us.
not for those cases.
when you open up to someone.
its scary.
what if they dont like the real you.
the flaws.
the bits that wobble.
the mood swings.
the issues.
the extra baggage.
but we all have to let someone know the real us.
the bit we hide.
because we all have little secrets.
that we really do need to share.
want to know one of my dirty little dark secrets?
nah cuz then it wouldnt be a secret now would it.
i dance and sing in the shower.
i am the biggest stresshead in the world.
i sulk when i dont get all my own way.
i have terrible pms.
when i need space.
i need space.
i freak when someone gets close to me.
or falls in love with me.
but i just want to fall in love.
im well obessed with the idea.
please dont ask me how that works.
my biggest secret?
i have a 'sad' playlist.
all the depressing shit i listen to when im upset.
mainly before i go to bed.
nah that wasnt my biggest.
my hearts always on my sleeve.
and my heads never in the same place.
if you could be anyone in the whole world?
who would you be?
i'd be me.
i'd be Laura.
maybe i'd be thinner.
and shorter.
and have more confidence.
and bigger boobs.
nah i wouldnt.
then i wouldnt be me.
and last night i dreamt somebody loved me.
no hope
or harm
just another false alarm.
this story might be old.
and it might go on.
but thats why im good with words.
i'm gona re-write the story.
with my words.
and to the heartbreak kids...
band-aids for all.

contempt for things are zero.

usually i have a million and one things to say.
usually i can bitch and argue.
usually i can be full of joy
and usually i can cry.
its save to say i dont know whats going on with me.
i dont have any contempt for my words anymore.
for my thoughts.
for my feelings.
and espically you.
how many times can you stamp on Lilys heart.
i'm sure thats what they all get told.
winner gets a prize.
i wish i could find someone who understood.
someone who got it.
someone who got me.
someone to save me.
and take care of me.
i want to see the most beautiful place on earth
and i want to see it with the most amazing man in the world.
note to self: where is the most beautiful place on earth.
note to self: amazing men dont think your hot.
how could this happen to me.
and in chicago at 7.30am
a young boy texts to say 'i love you'
these three words are said too much
but never enough.
falling in love is so dumb.
never do it.
i wont be doing it ever again.
once was enough for me.
my eyes are tired.
my heart is weak.
my body aches.
i hate this feeling.
its back.
knew it wouldnt take long.

its nice to know that you where there.
thanks for acting like you cared
and making me feel like the only one.
thanks for watching as i falled
and letting me know we where done.

to the girls.

and it hits her like a tonne of bricks
well Lilian.
You never saw that one coming.
nevermind.
i had a lifetime of things to write.
now i just dont.
back to the things that matter.
what am i wearing tonight?!
thanks ladies.
i'd be a mess without you.
role on the goodtimes.
the nights out.
the cute guys.
the nights in.
the cute guys.
the shots.
the cute guys.
the vodka.
the cute guys.
the dance offs.
the cute guys.
the myspace poses.
the cute guys.
the malibu.
the cute guys.
DingDong.x

he always want it always to be about him...men...

anti climax of the year.
right here.
wearing your heart on your wrist is where its at these days.
metaphor and half.
im making demands.
when im home alone.
and no-ones watching.
i dance by myself.
and you pull my hips so close.
my body can only whisper the truth.
im fairly content.
i dont have anything to winge about.
or moan.
theres no point really i guess.
i was compared to a notebook romance today.
i know you where all thinking it.
i was too.
i wrote a huge post before.
but the computer crashed.
so you'll never get to see it.

save me? i'll pay you.

lips that needed no introduction.
soon turned to dust.
isnt it funny how one night can change it all.
isnt it so strange how.
how this changed it all.
i wish i could express.
i wish joe was here.
or christian.
but alisons here.
im going to cuddle her.
right now.
because i wont be sleeping here tonight.
save me please.
i wish you could still drive.

Dance, Dance W.B.

I've got the time
I've got time on my side
Running the rule
Commanding the late boys eyes
I run around,
Know all the streets by name
So mysterious, shadows meet James Dean
I'm intoxicating
Soon your favorite drink
My red dress in disarray
Only dance floor prayers can save you now
Temperatures rise and you start to move
But it's me that's coursing through your veins
I've' got hope
I took shelter to the Hollywood list
Taking control
I wanted your heart
But you gave me your soul
I'm like a Paige Davis with a Monroe kiss
I disappeared today
Left no trace
But someday you'll know your name
You don't need no drugs
I'm your chemical
Now you're dependent
I swear you're clinical
Addicted to those glances
Your taking the chances tonight
You need a fix in my heroin eyes
I'm no saint but i'll take you to your knees
Try me boy
But i'll still do what I please
Do you believe in science?
I'm perfect chemistry
I wanted your love
But you gave me the rest of you
If London's calling don't you dare pick up the phone
Lips that need no introduction,
but now your waiting for my call
If a picture's worth a thousand words
Then my touch is worth them all
Don't leave us in the dark.

i'll expain when im not at work <3

http://lilymaespublications.blogspot.com/

just like heaven

they often say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
and it probably is.
but when you sit down and watch and listen to the world.
then you really do see the beauty.
and while doing this.
listen to yourself.
its nice.
and its not often you have the chance too.
sometimes i have so many thoughts.
my pen cant write fast enough.
the construction site i see in front of me
is every bit as beautiful as the flowers and plants to my right.
today i am truely in love.
with the world.
myself.
the birds.
him
and the smells, (even though im starving and it smells like chicken nuggets.)
while she brushes her teeth with his toothbrush
he has a shave.
she thinks to herself
whats romantic about this?
the way they gaze at each other
without the other one knowing of course
the way they laugh uncontrollably as she brushs her teeth
and newly applied eyeliner and mascara strains her pretty face.
but this time it is not because she is sad.
she is unbelievably happy.
hes gone now.
she misses him.
but cant help but smile at thoughts of them together.
just like heaven.
nothing makes you want to write his name next to yours more.
only a love heart seperating it.
but you dont.
you remember that your not 12 anymore.
to hell with it
remember how much fun it was being 12
you do it
lifes gonna be good from now on.
i can tell
but i think im in love

i put the art in heart

you confessed you messed up.
dropping sorry like im still around.
i'm just the girl all the boys want to dance with
and your just the boy whos had to many chances.
but i love everything about you that hurts
let me see your moves
trade her baby blues
for my wide eyed browns.
i wrote a 3 page journal today.
when i get round to it.
i shall post it up here.
its erm, interesting?
the music just isnt going down tonight
its like a horrid tasting medicine.
for a terrible cold.
and sometimes what you have is never enough
and sometimes they have far too much
othertimes you cant see what you have
you pass chances up
for the dreams your chasing
but you dont even notice
you sit down
and do nothing
well its about time you got up
you cant continue to push everyone away
you have to get on with it
go to the doctors
and take the green pills
if youve got an issue
they dont have a tissue
no-one does
except yourself
its a mental illness
you should have seen your face when i told you.
you where shocked.
you should have seen my face when she told me.
i was broke
laura, your ill
you have an illness
painkillers
windows
blades
and cars.
and as you watch your self get sucked up by a big black hole called depression
theres nothing you can do.
except watch
you dont see the front they see in the mirror
you see the cracks
the flaws
the bloodshot eyes
and the last remains of a broken and smashed girl
i wish i was like the paper i write on
Clean, white, marked only by printed gray lines, parellel to each other
equally spaced.
and one veRtical blue line, slightly thicker
that runs the lengh of the page.
instead, im like the pen i write with.
shinY and new on the outside.
dirty and Old on the inside.
destined to run out or dry up
destiNed to just stop
halt.
noThing can save you now kid.
not even the air in your lungs.
the blood in your vains
or tHat pretty smile on your tear stained face
and with my one last gasping breath
i would apolgiSe for bleeding On your new era
closely followed by 'not'
i put the art in heart
we are the used, the broken and the Fragile.
Lily's heArt was never meant to mend
but it wasnt like she cared.
MAKE THE WRITERS COME TO LIFE KID.
bring the characters out from the story book
have the fairytale you once wanted
see romeo and juliet kiss
watch holden get his girl
noah and allie have there wedding
and the little english girl have her very own fairytale
and then you put your pen down.
fall out of your make believe world
come out of the safty
and into the danger.
its like opening your eyes after an intense orgasm and realising its just sex
not love, of course.
its like the anti-climax of the year.
like no snow on christmas day
like no presents on your 18th birthday
like realising your back, its made for stsbbing
and everything you once knew was really just fake
even the friends
even the music
i hate putting my pen down

and i took his advice

well its just im so confused, i really hate men, ive been workin too much, unis too hard, i just dont have the motivation, basically i feel like giving up
I hate men too, and school is too hard too
I felt like giving up many times, but it's not worth it
giving up, that is
sometimes I wait for someone to save me
they dont really come
save yourself until I have the money and time to save you
then everything will be alright
when we save each other
I mean, that is plan b
at least
you can take it or leave it
I love you unconditionally
and I am making a bomb
saving each other sounds cool
but i dont know how to save myself
I know, me neither. Somehow I am still tryin though. I guess you just have to sleep when you are tired, and wake up and then give it your best shot, and fail or succeed, give it your best shot. this world wasn't built for people like us, and for that very reason we will either fail big, or win big
Sometimes its not in our hands
just fall asleep and wake up
it's the only way
when things get rough
and live for the moments
where everything is alright
far and few
but live for them
until I can bring us the day when it will always be like that
every second
like a fairy tale
it'll work
I promise
I know it
do u think i could really have a fairy tale?
im obsessed with the idea
but fairy tales dont happen to girls like me
Only you. You are one of the very few.
and I typed that before I read your sentence
that said it doesn't happen to girls like you
Other girls, don't even know they exist
Just make sure you are wishing for the right thing. and remember, if cinderalla, wouldn't have gotten that one night, she would have stayed a worker girl. even if the prince didnt come back, she still had that night, and that moment, and always hope for another
there is always hope
always
I love you
I have to go cinderalla
*kisses*
bye beautiful
come back soon, i miss you
*kisses*
xxxxxxxx
signed off at 23:38:05.
so thats what i did

Dude, pass the band aids and save your scissors

Laura’s heart was never meant to mend
Her empty pockets
And bloodshot eyes tell all the storys
She just cant dance for ever
But she wants to make it better
The wind is cold
The summer sun is so far away
Close the doors
And lock them tight
Take all your jealous hearts
And cast them into the sea
But as they say
You will never fall in love
If you don’t fall at all.
Its time to give it all
And fall
Fall so hard you break your nose
Fall so hard you may only come away with broken bones
And a smashed heart.
But its what we are all about.
Because she is gona regret it all
Living behind her wall.
Times like these wont last forever.
put on your red shoes
And lets dance the blues
But good shoes wont save you this time
And make no mistake
Our smiles are fake
Do you just want to watch me all night?
But don’t wake me up
I don’t want this dream to end
When our time is up
When our lifes are done
Will we say we’ve had our fun?
Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?
Scream your heart out
But its always
Apologies
Glances
And messed up chances
Isnt it so funny how certain music makes you feel a certain way
Some songs take you back to the pain you felt when you where 15
And others take you to that summer of love
Some make you want to cut up all over again
And some reflect the joy you felt when you kissed that guy.
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your exboyfriend took
You said you’d read me like a book but the pages are all torn and frayed
trust me
im not ofuckingkay
=)
And some make you never want to give up
Never want to stop
Never want to take it lying down
Never want to be pushed over
Never want to be afraid again
Music is what we live for
So if Lauras heart never mends
It’s no big deal
She wouldn’t want it any other way.x

for it is in our dreams we are truely happy

im guess im trying to say im sorry
a part of me still loves you
even though ive moved on
i guess
i wanted this for always
broken hearts
torn-up photos
apparently i cant just keep on dancing
i dont even want to go
i just need to get out
and cry
which is what im going to do.
one day maybe you will stop a second
and read that poem i wrote for you
i hope the sun never rises.

i wish i didnt moan so much

i wish i could put into words how much i miss you
i wish i could tell you that im falling in love with you
i wish my heart wasnt made of china
i wish i was pretty
i wish i wasnt so tall
i wish i was the one you where waiting for
i wish i could turn heads
i wish i could break hearts
i wish i was confident
i wish i was an artist
i wish that song meant something to you
i wish i didnt waste my time
i wish you would just say i love you
i wish i could say what i liked
i wish i could wear what i wanted
i wish i wasnt so indesive
i wish i could spell
i wish i could make you half as happy as you make me
i wish i could cure cancer
i wish i could write a novel
i wish i was smart
i wish i was in chicago
i wish this meant enough to you for you to bookmark it
i wish you read this everyday.
i wish i was content

Things seem so far away

When I met this boy.
I didn’t see us here now.
In fact
It wasn’t even me who noticed him.
It was the best.
Its so strange how well we get on.
Its so strange how well I get on with his friends
Its so strange how well I get on with his family.
I’ve missed him ever so much
And now im here it’s perfect
But the thing is I know something’s going to go wrong
It always does
But now I know what’s going to go wrong
He’s gonna leave for London
And no matter how hard we try we are never going to see each other again
My heart is going to crack and break
The band aids he put in place are gona come unstuck
And I’m gona be punished for all those wrongs.
Im gona compare everyone to him
And ill never be happy.
Ill miss him immensely
And he’ll marry some blonde piece.
Sure she’ll be pretty
But she’ll never be me.
She’ll never be the Lily Mae of summer 2007
But hey
Fuck it
Lets live for the moment
Lets have amazing sex
Lets have conversations that last all night
Lets sleep in each others arms
And play sonic until our eyes glaze
Lets laugh so hard we get tears in our eyes
And throw each other into the sea
And talk about things long gone
Lets be happy
Lets never forget the summer we spent laughing and smiling
Lets never regret a thing
Not even the fights we may have
And the tears and heartache when u leave
The pictures will fade
But the memories forever
Long live the car crash hearts
Cry on the sofa
Where the poets come to life
Fix me in a novel
Live and love
Dream and die
Never forget these moments

half an hour phones calls...dingdong

my rooms messy.
much like my hair.
much like my car
and much like my heart.
of course.
its not like i mind.
if i tidy up.
i'll lose something.
you where there for summer dreaming.
you gave me what i need.
pick a star with me?
and forever it will be our star.
and our children will look up at our star and smile.
but our star.
is a special star.
for it will never fade.
it will never burn out.
it will always be there.
just like us.
ive never been so lost.
ive never felt so much at home.
please write my folks.
and throw away my keys.
woke up in a car is going to be my 2008 summer.

Lily, for gods sake, shut up, you're freaking them out

its hard to say that i was wrong
its hard to say i miss you
since you've been gone
its not the same.
i wonder if he knows i stared into his eyes.
there so beautiful
a myspace picture doesnt do justice.
dont forget me.
dont leave me alone to spill the wine on my white dress
and is it good to be incense.
or better to be the sun?
if you could smell me would you say it was pretty?
Medina from Chicago.
Can i have you?
skip this pretense
cut right to dieing.
this is a habit that i cant break.
i overthink too much
it drives me insane
it really does
theres just too many situtaions
and sometimes we walk by the good ones
because we're trying too hard to see them
and sometimes we dont find the right lines
because we're trying too hard to hear them
turn away
im aweful just to see
and ive never cried so much in my whole life
i guess this time your really leaving
summer just wanted to break hearts
and this one lies bleeding
you say its true love
its suicide
you left me drowning in my tears
i wanted to be your valentine
i'll be there for you
these five words i swear are true
(talk is cheap...
...lies are cheaper.)
you wasnt there when i was down
and you missed my birthday
words cant say what love can do.
but they can say what lies don't.
i wanna hang on to something
that wont break away
or fall apart
like the pieces of my heart

doctor, its the 'sad' playlist please. thankyou

so i spent all day pinning my idols to my wall.
funny.
you wernt up there.
i've got tummy ache.
i'm tired.
i can't sleep.
i don't wana sleep alone.
jump on the plane?
join me?
i'd pay you...
but you wouldn't need it.
you'd hate me anyway.
i sing over a secret pain.
i know i dont belong.
its hard to say.
i am not afraid to die.
love is not like anything
espically a fucking knife.
be my thousand fucks?
you almost always pick the best times
to drop the worst lines
remember when that was about you.
all those years ago.
everynights the same story.

Relient K...get the hell out from under my bed!

the greatest thing you'll ever learn.
is to love.
and be loved in return.
told you i had that obession.
because sometimes.
in the middle of an ordinary life.
love comes along.
and changes it into a fairy tale.
because im the kind of girl that bursts out laughing in complete silence.
over something that happened the day before.
the kind of girl that will always spill something on her white dress.
and get really drunk and fall over.
the kind of girl that gets really mad then crys.
but then says sorry and cuddles you.
im the kind of girl that will write you a love letter.
but wont ever send it to you.
im the kind of girl that lives for the nights she cant remember
with the friends she'll never forget
the kind of girl you'll wish you'd never meet.
but you'll never forget.
your girlfriends ex-boyfriend
hes missing her cuz he knows hes missing out.
no-one else comes close to her.
he had the world but he thought he wanted for more.
if it wasnt for him.
we wouldnt be here now.
thankyou.
you got the girl.
and he's left with just the memory.
mmhmm.
the kids are all fucked up.
we dont care.
kiss me?

baby the libertines are so last summer.

find a new band.
i did.
isn't it strange.
soon as he quotes them.
the world does.
but hes a year behind.
and im too steps in front.
its time to catch the rays.
remove the makeup.
remove the clothes.
remove the scars.
i miss my american friends.
i miss their pretty little voices.
i miss their beautiful little smiles.
and i miss them saying 'i love you'
hey mister sunshine.
bring me a dream.
bring me the perfect time.
bring me my fairytale.
thankyou.
li/ove you
copycats for lovers.
get me outta my mind.
get you outta those clothes.
get you outta your mind.
get me outta my clothes.
one night stand.
one night stand-off.
one more time...

Hang the DJ <3

to be honest.
ive been here a million times before.
i just didnt know what to write lately.
ive got it now.
i did my part for charity yesterday.
cleaning cars for five hours.
running a bar for five hours.
and being sold for £55 ironically.
ive had fun these last few days.
despite missing him.
its been ace.
im starting to feel good about things again.
ive picked myself up
and dusted myself off.
maybe its the hair.
maybe its the boy.
maybe its the friends.
but maybe its the sun.
the plan for today.
shower.
sun.
uni work.
new cobra album.
i love it.
makes me wana shake shake shake.
but its true when they say.
as one pat of your life goes amazingly well.
the other crashes.
and burns.
Hey Mister DJ...
Put A Record On.
K.
Thanks

Laura Jayne Chivers, lay your cards on the table please.

sometimes i want someone to write about me for a change.
a poem.
a song.
a prose.
something beautiful.
something that makes my tummy flip.
but is a song is what i'd want most.
but since thats not gonna happen.
i found my own Laura songs,
various artists of course.
some good
some bad.
of course.

I've got a friend.
Her name is Laura.
We took a holiday.
Seven sweet days in Majorca.
Seven days in the sun.
She's my heaven,
She's a spark,
Feels like heaven,
So light me up.
Here's another tale about this girl named Laura,
You can find her shiny teeth at any corner,
I'm gonna look up Laura what's her name
And finally make it clear
I studied every square inch of her legs in our junior year
This next song is about a young lady called Laura
Who unfortunately isn't with us anymore
But she's still called Laura...
There's no need for tears
Cause there's no need to cry
The love that you leave
Will never be left behind
This pain in my head comes straight from my heart
No woman alive could touch who you were
So bye, bye Laura
There's no one could take your place
Bye, bye Laura
Your beauty will never fade
The seed that you sewn
Now reachs for the sky
The song that you leave
Will never beat at night
And after this song, her spirit lives on
Though your not around you'll never be gone
Laura, can't you give me some time,I got to give myself one more chance.
Laura kept all her disappointments
Locked up in a box behind her closet door
She pulled the blinds and listened to the thunder
With no way out from the family store
Nothing left for a boy but to hide these dreams away...
All those dreams decay
Laura...know this song for always
Laura...show this song to no one
Laura, are you still living there on your estate of sorrow?
You used to leave it occasionally.
Now, you don't even bother to ride that commuter train west to Chicago,
To stroll through the greenery, in the park, past the statues.
How their eyes seemed to follow you like a hated addiction.
Their beauty carved out of absolutes that you could never claim, or even envision.
Laura you were the saddest song in the shape of a woman.
I thought you were beautiful,but I wept with your movements.
I hope you are laughing now from that place of the carpet
where we shared a sleeping bag, in your sisters apartment.
Oh how she would worry so, you know,I was just a stranger.
But she asked me to care for you.
That is what she didand I went and betrayed her.
But do you know we are in high demand,Laura, us people who suffer?
Because we don't take to arguing and we are quick to surrender.
Well, I think I would call tonight if I still had your number.
Your thoughts have always laid close to mine.
We were both skipping supper.
But you should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living.
Because it is the ones with the sorest throats, Laura, who have done the most singing.
And Laura’s asleep in my bed
As I’m leaving she wakes up and says
“I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby don’t go away, come here”

Sometimes it's nice not to know who,
or what a songs about.
just so you can pretend it's about you.
and your life.
Sometimes its nice not to use names but metaphors.
Sometimes its nice to use smiles instead of music.

and

ive never seen anything so beautiful
<3

i hate the ending myself

i just realised how empty my bed felt.
i could well do with someone to share it with.
i feel really alone at the minute.
a cuddle would be good right about now.
i took a second to look at my life.
and i realised that my life, my room and my car.
there all the same.
a mess.
i guess its continuous tho.
thats got to be good.
i wonder if you fix one, the rest will follow.
for example if i clean my room.
will my life fix itself?
dont be silly.
what do you think this is,
a fairytale.
i almost thought it was.
almost.
it wasnt.
do you think every night will be the same?
my eyes are closing.
and the suns raising.
i do everything in the wrong order.
always and forever.
sex would be good right about now.
shocked much?
at least im real.
told you i was too real.

Dying to share our problems, make everything alright?

Don't you like to write journals?
I do, because it's such a swell way to keep from working and yet feel like you've done something.
I decided to write this journal entry because of course,
i'd rather not work,
but i'd like to feel like i've done something.
My life has a tendency to fall apart when i'm awake.
you know?
like a nightmare, but with no sleep.
like the sleep without the dream.
Tired girls need to rest there weary heads and dream of candy canes, sweethearts and childhood dreams long gone.
Theres always some reason why we cant though.
sometimes i pause to think why should anybody be interested in some girl,
with fancy words,
and heart of gold?
i wish i had big boobs.
blonde hair.
and was a size 8.
maybe i'd have more chance of winning.
but ive got being real on my side.
and i can write it better than you could have felt it.
score to me.
but remember.
no friend is as loyal as a book.
thats why i want to write the novel that could be your best friend.
the novel that makes you feel better about your life.
something to make you laugh and cry.
hell i'll just write it about me.
nobodys there when i get home.
im watching movies on my own.
your photos on my bedroom wall.
i sit here waiting for your call.
i hate to say goodbye.
maybe what i feel.
you feel inside.

she might be pretty, but im good in bed.

i didnt know you still wrote about me.
i like it when you do.
it makes me smile.
like beam.
like freeze a big dorky smile on my face =)

im starting to believe in fairy tales.
no so much the ones with a happy ending.
more like the brothers grimm type.
i guess.
i'm going to miss you so much.
its crazy.
but you know what.
its true.
why is it we get on so well?
but i dont care.
you make me smile when i think about you.
i love the way you cuddle me.
move the hair from my eyes.
and just look at me.
i wish i knew what you where thinking when you looked at me.
they often say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
i often think thats true.
my tummy does little flips when i think of you.
or maybe thats the swishing of the booze from the night before.
either way, its nice.
i want to say it.
but i dont.
things get fucked up when you say it.
ill finish this another day.
ive gotta go clean up.
signing off.x

its pretty intense, i feel kinda crazy, you know?

The fact you read this and you liked it makes me smile.
That fact it make you smile makes my tummy feel fuzzy.
The fact you think i'm good at this fills me with pride.
You say fairytales are about girls like me.
I dont tend to believe you.
You say i deserve my own fairytale.
I'm not pretty enough and i have too many problems.
You say i'm really pretty.
I tend to just write them, i'm never in them.
You say it worked for cinders, with all her problems, so why not me?
Your right.
Do you think we'll look back on this and smile.
And remember that time we stayed up all night talking about nothing.
Laughing so hard, tears fell from my eyes.
Going to the beach and swimming in the cold.
Do you think this will have a happy ending?
Just like the fairytales do.
Just like cinderella.
I may give you one of my shoes.
To make sure.
Either way.
i'm glad i meet you.
and if this all ends in tears.
which it probebly will.
i'll be glad.
I met you where nobody knew my name,
And our spark quickly turned into a flame.
I can't get you off my mind.
And I don't want to know why.
I dont remember the first words that you said
Or how we even ended up together.
It's complicated, but I'm not frustrated.
When the sun burns up,
And the ocean dries out.
When the moon falls down,
From the black night sky.
And the stars fade out,
promise you wont forget me?

Duopoly

Do you like the feel of my name on your lips?
Do you like the sound of my kiss?
And the way that my fingers run through your hair?
How my scent lingers even when i'm not there?
Do you like the way my eyes dance when I laugh?
And how i enjoy those two-hour baths?
Could I convince you to dance in the rain with me?
And have everyone watching thinking we were insane?
Do you like the innocent way that I cry at soppy old movies i've seen hunderds of times?

i like the way you move the hair away from my eyes and kiss me.
the way you hold my hand.
and the way you sing off-key.
i like the way you let me sleep on your chest.
but i dont like the way you take up all the bed and snore =)
the way you just let me talk to you.
and you listen, or at least pretend to listen.
i like the way you make fun of me just to make us laugh.
the way we pull faces
and laugh so hard my tummy hurts.
above all i like the way we're friends.

this is going to make for one intense novel.
my writing skills never stop to amazing me.
the journal.
much?
maybe?

why i hate timezones...

that post went in the wrong place.
motherfucking timezones.
grrrrrr.
now its all in the wrong order.

tell me i'm a bad girl, tell me an angel, take this to my grave.x

im in need of a fresh start.
is hard understanding im incomplete?
but i am not afraid to keep on living.
or to walk this world alone.
its going to happen.
a wise man once told me that anything was possible.
i almost believed him.
a stupid boy once told me i was beautiful.
i didnt believe him.
and someone told me today i wasn't a nobody.
and for a slight second.
i was filled with hope.
is anything possible?
i see a story book ending ahead of me.
but not the good type.
the notebook type.
but the middle.
where the lovers are pulled apart for 15 years.
the best thinks it too.
we cant all be wrong
well i was looking for my noah.
would you have the guts to say,
i dont love you,
like i loved you yesterday.
would you?
in the game of life.
what do you think matters most.
the past?
the present?
or the future?
do we really care about the ex files?
past behaviour?
do we really care what people think?
or if good sex is enough?
and are we really too caught up with being wifes and mothers?
i'm not.
i dont care about the ex files.
theres a reason why we break up with them.
past behaviour.
hmmm.
usually a good chance to judge present behaviour.
but nope, doesnt matter to me.
unless your a serial killer of your current partners.
but in that case, you'd be in prison.
for what people think.
yes and no.
i dont give a fuck if you think im some common scum bag who rambles too much.
you're not really a concern to me.
but deep down i'll cry if you cut me deep.
not that you'll ever see.
good sex is never enough.
fact.
you've got to be able to laugh together.
cry together.
sleep in the same bed together.
fight together.
get wasted together.
and be more than just lovers together.
good sex is the basis of a fuck buddy relationship.
fact.
and i'm not caught up in being someones wife or a mother.
because we fall in love. (use the term loosely.)
get married.
pop a few sprogs.
get our menopause.
the kids leave.
you get a divorce.
and hate each other.
not usually in that order.
some life?
in conclusion.
i'm living for the now.
not the tomorrow.
not the yesterday.
for now.
for this moment.
for the smiles.
and frowns.
for the laughs.
and tears.
for the friends.
and the enemies.
for the 6-1 victorys.
for the blonde moments.
for watching the birds and talking about bullshit.
for being indepth.
and shallow.
for the sea.
for the memories.
the hopes.
and the dreams.
for the things you want.
and the things you dont.
for dancing in your underwear.
for singing in the mirror with a hairbrush.
for having a messy room.
and messy hair.
for saying things at the wrong time.
and wishing you'd never said them at all.
for crying because i'm a softy.
for the cuddles in the mirror.
for making long lists.
and for smiling when doing so.
sorry.
n/a. guess who you is?
a clue. its not you dear.

scatch that, start again.

i thought i wanted curry.
turns out i didnt.
i had a nice day today.
but i often wish you would read this.
so you could see what i really think, feel and want.
i read your journal but i gave up.
i dont think it was about me anymore.
isnt it funny how things change.
i found some past entrys from when i couldnt get to my journal.
here they are for your reading pleasure.

I hate it when my internet doesn’t work.
It feels like my worlds come crashing down around me head.
And my key to the word has been stolen.
Last night was awesome.
I needed it.
We had fun.
Danced.
And loved life.
I felt a million dollars and no one was going to piss on my parade.
I look terrible right about now.
I think its back to bed with me.
Fancy it?
Only until 11 though.
That gives me 35 minutes.
Power nap much?
Miss Mae signing out.
For now…

Why is it mothers are always right?
She says im all about the chase.
To say she was wrong would be a lie.
Shes about 90% right.
Who can blame me?

I lie so much.
Its untrue.
Ive spent the last week getting drunk.
And being high.
Totes takes the pain away.
And the world.
I want to write a whole post in my chem. Lyrics.
They amaze me so.
That’s what I wanted to do last night,
But I didn’t,
I love u so.
Your intense.x

i find it intresting to read past posts.
makes me smile and frown.
so its all good.
i thought i knew what i wanted to write, but things are really confusing.
and i dont know where i am anymore.
urgh.
i didnt have this feeling today.
why do i have it now!

i was thinking

over thinking.
i was thinking, overthinking.
about how im not really her.
i think way to much.
on a one track mind.
sometimes i think romance is dead.
dial 155 and call it up baby.
so worth it.
i love how lily allen well cheers me up.
makes me wanna dance in my knickers in front of the mirror.
and pretend im a star.
with my fake london accent, and terrible voice.
=)
i always wonder why i have itunes on shuffle.
i always skip to what i want to listen to anyway.
summers just going to be like a jacks mannequin song.
i can tell.
a holiday from real.
im fair excited.
i look for work today
im spilling out the door.
putting my glasses on so no one sees me.
i never thought that id be living on your floor.
but the rents are high and LAs easy.
its a picture of perfection
and the postcards gona read.
'fuck yeah, we can live like this.'
we'll fry our brains and write its so much fun out here.
being poor was never better.
some cheap red wine.
all the trouble we could get in
so lets screw this one up right, yeah?
ill come back for another year.
hahaha.
wecanalltellitsthetimeofthemonthimupanddownlikeayoyo.
urgh.
im just in the mood for writing.
i want to go to the beaccccch.
like now.
and look at the stars.
how rad would that be really.
just grab a jacket, some shoes.
and go to the beach and look at the stars.
put our feet in the sea and pretend were someplace else.
other than the dining room table.
other than whereever you are.
lets do it?
want too?

its been one of those days.

lily mae.
posters fall down more than you fall in love.
5'9
model material.not.
drinks like a fish.
swears like a trooper.
partys hard and lets the good times role.
has an obession with love.
and falling into it.
im convinced it can be better than it was.
if its meant to be.
it sure as hell will be.
my eyes are heavy and my heart is broke.
my legs are long and my patience short.
im only good at writing fairy tails.
not being in them.
things like that never happen to girls like me.
kiss me in the rain.
never call it quits

for kicks, for laughs, just to confuse you

isnt it funny how you can never get things to work.
im in the miss wigan top 50.
vote for me.
http://www.modeluk.com/Show.php?Page=Applications&ApplicationID=5655
i wont win.
things are so confusing.
its mental.
like butterflys on doorsteps.
like angels on window ledges.
who the fuck knows.
promise you'll sponser me and stick by me.
i cant do this alone.
i'm so not ready.
i'v had a funny week.
doesnt really fit into words.
it's been up and down.
and down and up.
make it work.
for kicks.
for promises?
love you.
love me?
miss me?
miss you.x

yawn

im not sure how i feel today.
good or bad.
what happens when it stops?
i dont wana know.
i saw a video today.
it made my heart skip a beat.
im so in love with this band.
it could hurt.
somedays i feel like i dont have much to say.
much of any value.
much that matters.
much that you wanna hear.
i wana go to the beach so bad.
i wana walk down the beach until it gets dark.
then sit in the sand and look at the stars.
im still looking for my noah.
jump out at me?
i'll give you a fiver?
deal.

everynights the same story.

life is so strange.
i spend a lot of time thinking about that.
and about who really does read this.
i want to be a model.
is that silly?
i want to walk the runway.
i want little girls to spend there days looking at me in glossys.
and saying, 'mummy isn't she beautiful.'
you're right.
you always are.
vodka starts my problems.
and it numbs them too.
thankfully.
some days i just want a cuddle.
some days i want to make love all day.
i'm going to show this new underwear to the whole world.
mondays not gona make much sense.
but does it ever.
my life makes for a great novel.
write me.
lipstick shades on pillow cases.
love and lust together.
promise me it was never about that?
yours
Lily 'fuckhead' Mae.x

and as we say our long goodbyes, i nearly die

i said i was going to bed.
i lied.
even though i need to.
i often wonder what people think of me.
do they see the me i see.
or someone different.
the girl i see when i look in the mirror isnt what you would think.
see i think you see a:
pretty,
happy,
content,
loving,
interesting,
slim,
young women.
maybe thats too over the top.
i mean calling myself pretty is egotisic right?
wrong.
because thats not what i see.
that is the preception i have of what you see.
based on what i am told.
but what i see is different.
i look in the dirty smeered mirror and see:
uglyness.
tiredness.
spots.
sad.
discontent.
trapped.
tears.
alchoholic.
young but dead inside women.
its all so negative.
but all so true.
someone once told me anything is possible.
i perhaps believed it for a moment.
like a flare of light cast upon a dark merky sea.
it faded fast just like the flare.
i dont know how to slove this.
or make it right.
i want to run.
run to chicago.
but how would that make me feel.
i'd have no money.
no job.
and sleeping on a sofa.
thats not my dream.
i want to walk the red carpet.
to be beautiful.
to smile and wave.
to make an impact.
to change one life, or a million.
to love.
and be loved.
Just like Allie and Noah.
To laugh and learn.
to be someone.
not just anyone.
to be a pinup.
to have an america summer.
to watch a flower grow.
and a child born.
to walk the aisle in white.
to drive the coast for a year.
to shake your hand.
as you look into my eyes and smile.
i want to graduate.
i want all these things.
but they seem so far away.
much like the flare.
much like the ocean air.
much like tomorrow morning.
much like a fresh start.
breath new life into me?
i need it right about now.

when forgettings too much

so i wrote a post last night.
but my top crashed.
so you'll never get to see it,
and i'll never see it again.
i wish i could remember it.