shake up or ship out

i realised something dreadful today
ive sunk back into my depression
i honestly have
look at the state of me
the state of my room
its christmas
i feel no joy
my hearts dead
i just want to stay alone in my despair
but inside i feel it building up
i feel myself ready to snap
i can feel it bubbling
my insides screaming
yelling
the disappointment in myself
my lack of drive
whats going on
whats with this front i have
i wanted this so bad
so much
why wont i go to get it
its right here in front of me
and i just cant reach it
i dont understand
ive let myself down
ive let everyone down
and i dont know what to do next
im back to wanting to die
it sounds drastic but it feels like the correct solution
not even him can save me
because as ive been told
apparently i d0nt want to be saved
im gona break down
this machine needs oiling
this girl needs...
she doesnt know what she needs.
love never seems to be enough
i refuse to go back to the pills.

The Ghost Of You

it always gets me
brain waves for journal posts always come at the strangest times
im lying in bed
listening to my sad playlist
and the girl next door turning her tap on and off
why did that inspire me to write?
i feel that our time apart has helped us
but i know you'll catch me when i fall
in my hour of need
ive thought about you a lot
more than perhaps i should
or thought i ever would
sometimes it makes me mad
sometimes happy
sometimes sad
my thoughts and prayers are with you and family
espically your dad
i didnt want to reply to im glad
because we'd have spent our lifes going to and fro
but i would never laugh about you
you will always be my first love
with christmas looming it brings back many memories