Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Bullshit Has A Body Count

and soon i'm not going to be allowed to have teen angst
because i wont be a teen anymore
i'll be an adult.
will this change the way i feel about things?
about myself?
of course it won't.
birthdays dont mean shit.
getting old means nothing.
its just a number.
another year here
another year there
i moved some music from my computer over to my laptop today.
music from years ago
bands i used to adore.
bands i used to spend hours waiting in the cold to meet.
and to tell how much they had changed my life.
and in one case
even saved it

i'd like to say things we're different when i was 15
but i still felt the same then
as i do now
i still had the same problems
all though i fear they're slighty worse now
i left school at 16
i was in love with my best friend
i had a boyfriend who loved me
but i didnt love back
that summer i left my boyfriend
he tried to kill himself
i flinged with my best friend and lost him forever
i moved into a house i hated
i started a college i hated with no friends
i lost my dad forever
my mum moved away
does.anyone.notice?
does.anyone.care?
was written on my mirror.
i imagined myself dead
i was a lost soul.
then i found someone
then he broke me
he cheated on me
he was all i had
my ray of light in my grim dark life
then i began drinking
no-one noticed
i began hurting
no-one noticed
no-one cared
i asked for help
it was on my mirror
no-one came
i spent my 16th year hurting
my greatest desire was for my father to find me dead in the afternoon from the night before
i wanted him to walk into my room after work
to shout and rant at me for not going to college
i wanted my blooded body to by lying on my bed
the cream 'dining room' walls sprayed scarlet with my blood
the gashes clear to see in my wrists
the blood all dried and my beautiful body already starting to decay
how could you let this happen dad?
i wanted you to see that.
and then i wanted you to wake up in the middle the night for the rest of your life wondering what you could have done to save me
the answer isnt hard
it wasnt
all you had to do was be there for me
and you couldnt be.
i wish i'd spent my 16th year doing normal 16 year old girl things.
but i didnt.
and i cant turn back the clock
now im almost 20
whats changed.
im single
i can have any bloke i want
if i want to have sex
i go and get it
if i want someone to take me out on a date
they do
ive fought depression
ive not come out the other side yet
but im getting there
ive watched my mother almost die
ive watched and helped her fight cancer and stills
i almost gave my own life away when i took a few too many prescription pain killers
ive been no angel
and ive had harming relapses
i have no regrets
ive learned from my mistakes
and ive grown
i'll get there

music does this to you
it takes you back
back to the bad days
back to the last time you heard a particular song and you where crying your heart out
because some basterd ripped your heart out and stamped on it
in one way or another
it reminds you of the people you'd rather forget
it takes you back all those years
when you knew nothing about the world
about the boys you would end up dating
and your tiny heart they would break
you knew nothing about the way your family would pan out
and then when you do
music fixes its all
sometimes it makes it worse
but most time it fixes you
reminds you that it wasnt your fault the boys you dated didnt care
or that it wasnt your fault your family split

maybe being 20 wont be that bad
maybe leaving 7 years of teen angst wont hurt that much.
ill let you know in march

and you never know when someone could call it quits

Two very different seperate events have took place in my life over the past two days.
These events have make me rethink the way i live and lead my own life.
I need to put 115% into everything i do.
I need to grab the oppourtunitys with open hands.
If i'm tired.
Screw it.
I have to keep going.
I need to sort this mess out i call life.
And i need to do it with a smile.
It's important not to be content with the simple, easy life.
Also push yourself.
Do something everyday that scares you.
I'll write something a bit longer when i know how to word it.
Until then.
i love you.x

come one, come all, to this tragic affair.

and i cant believe my sunday night has come to this
a glass of red wine
3 amerettos and coke
4 vokdas and coke
where did i let it all go wrong
now im eating cheese puffs on tortillia wraps
due to lack of bread
i guess its like a fancy cheese butty
i didnt do any of the things i wanted to do today
cept iron
i feel really close to someone
someone who doesnt know who i am
i read his journals
and i felt like we'd clicked.
clearly we've not
he doesnt know who i am
but how awesome would it be if we could be friends
i love your voice
but i dont find u particually attractive
but your words just do something to me
i wish you'd come on aim and talk to me.
its been the strangest weekend ever
i felt super down

running before you can walk

i ran so fast i fell off the edge and forgot what i was missing
and how much i was needed
i had a great night with the best
it was so great to see her again
and then i went home
everything changed
i felt the atmosphere go
i was running away
i forgot to look back
im pretending its not happening
im falling into the cliche of only caring about the silly things
i just wanted to forget
and get away
is that too much to ask?
friday ill sort everything out
monday no messing around.

this was gona be a carrie bradshaw rant

so i make tea
and i dont burn the kitchen down
and im sat doing my usual spinster thing
eating my tea
glass of red wine
and the girls from sex and the city
all of a sudden 4 crawl out of the woodwork
i am plagued
completely
so hands up
who wants to save me.

now for this week.

and this last week.
ive not been able to shake those exs.
not even exs.
just guys ive dated and never called back.
note to self.
never do that again.
infact never date again.
im prefectly happy the way i am.
i dont know why i have moments of weakness when i feel i need someone.
maybe its instint.
maybe its bollocks.
its bollocks.
im so excited for this week its looking promising after a dodgey start.
tomorrow.
classes. cleaning. food shopping.
wednesday
classes. dinner at grans. shopping and catch up with the best.
thursday
manchester
friday
catch up
saturday
work
sunday
catch up
and then im back to monday again
weeks go so fast
and days dont even feel long
i need to put more effort into my studies
and less into my social life.

you missed this last week.

This last week ive experienced a lot of changes
But still something doesn’t feel right
This is supposed to be my fresh start
But it doesn’t feel all so fresh
Im still haunted by my past
Namely the past flings
Some good
Most super bad
Im always looking for something
Im too picky
Too fussy
But some how im what every bloke wants

call me big headed if you like

i dont care
I manover myself to be just what they want
Say what they want to hear
Do what they want to see
But there is never a bloke that I want to be with

and to be myself with.
Not forever anyway
Noone just gets me
Maybe this is a defence mechnanism
But its been a long time since ive meet someone that makes my heart skip a beat
Someone that has my attention constanly
Someone that makes me not want to look at any other man
Theres no-one that makes me feel that way
Theres no chemistry between me and someone that is enough to cause a reaction to blow up this place
Maybe I just don’t want to make another mistake like them

Sometimes I love my single self
My spinster ways
The way I don’t depend on anyone
But days like today
I don’t
I wish I had a man here to cuddle me and make me feel better
Even though there is puss on my throat
And even though I look like an ugly mess
Someone to save me from all the spiders
Someone to hold me close
And text me and ring me even though he’s a way away
I know one day I’ll find the man I want
But until then
I’ll continue to look
With my legs closed.

Friday morning
The early hours
I cant see the wood for the trees
But I just want a bf
Someone new
Someone who makes my tum flip
Someone who makes me happy
The past is there
And it should stay there
But certain things bring it back
Certain songs
i.e. mugshot
are we done?
Do your nights fell incomplete without our phone calls?
Mine do.
Maybe im just missing a routine
or is it the fact that im losing the best friend i ever had.