The Fallen Tree - OU TMA01

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day. You’d think this kind of day would be a blur, the kind of day when you wouldn’t really remember anything because it all happened so quickly. But I remember this day. I remember every single detail. How could I not? It was the worst day of my life. Am I being dramatic? No, to be honest, I don’t think I am.
This day didn’t really start; it was more of a continuation of a previous day. I returned home from work at about 2am and I knew I had some extra work to complete on my laptop. I opened my front door, the same as always, two turns to the left, one to the right and push, I always have to do this as the key gets jammed, espically in winter. I say I’ll get it fixed, but like most things I say I’ll get fixed, I never do. I opened the door in darkness and brushed my hand along the wall to the light switch, flipped the switch, shut the front door and went upstairs to change into my comfy grey joggers and black jumper. I knew it was going to be a long night spent toiling in front of my laptop, trying in vain to complete work set by my boss for the next morning.
The hours flew by, I was awake but in some kind of sleep deprived trance, drifting in and out of consciousness, not focusing on what I should be doing and instead thinking about things that didn’t really matter and didn’t deserve my valuable time. At this point I realised that morning had approached as the first light of the new day sparkled through into the living room, I realised I hadn’t slept at all and nor had I completed the work I intended on doing, it was my fault really for leaving it until the last minute, like usual I suppose. As I was wondering what I was going to do my mobile phone began to ring, this was extremely unusual as it was the early hours of the morning, I looked down at the phone and what shocked me even more where the words on the screen, ‘Our Kid’, my younger brother and only sibling. Why was my brother ringing me at this time in the morning?
‘Hello? Robert? Are you okay?’
‘Laura?’ His voice was weak, shallow, I immediately knew he wasn’t himself.
‘Laura?’ He repeated again, ‘It’s Mum, I don’t know what’s wrong, she’s on the floor, Laura.’
‘Okay, keep calm, maybe she’s asleep? Have you tried to wake her?’ I knew she wouldn’t be asleep, but I was trying to calm him and myself.
‘She’s not asleep and I don’t think she’s breathing.’ His voice was cracking now, I could tell he couldn’t get the words out to me.
‘It’s okay, don’t worry, just calm down.’ I knew that I was speaking in vain.
‘Laura, there’s white stuff coming out of her mouth, she isn’t breathing.’
‘Put your hand up to her mouth, can you feel anything on your hand? She will be breathing, you’ll be able to feel her warm breath on your hand, can you feel it?’ I wasn’t sure he would, but by telling him he would, I was willing for her to breathe. There was a long pause.
‘I can feel it! But it’s light, it’s there, but it’s light.’ There was relief in his voice.
‘Now I need you to, I need you, an ambulance, put the phone down and ring an ambulance.’ I knew what I wanted to say but the words wouldn’t and didn’t come out, I could hear my voice faltering, cracking at every word, I was trying so desperately hard not to cry, not to panic, not to scare my brother even more, but I knew now it was obvious I was terrified, so scared our mother had passed away and left us, why wasn’t I there with him? He shouldn’t have been experiencing this, it was my job to look after him, I was his big sister.
‘Laura, it’s okay, she’s breathing, she’ll be okay, I’ll ring an ambulance now.’ The roles immediately reversed, he was now looking out for me, making sure I was okay, not the other way around.
‘Laura, I’m putting the phone down now.’
‘Okay, okay, I love you.’ I managed to croak out.
‘I love you too’ and he hung up. Less than 20 seconds later the phone was ringing again.

...

this week was the hardest of my life.
i almost lost my mother.
and with that i almost lost a piece of myself.
sometimes i'm not sure what i should do anymore.
i feel pushed to the edge.
so far gone that i can't be pushed anymore.
it never rains but it fucking pours.
so why are you, still with her??
i wish i had more words to tell you how i felt.

i'm still in love but all i heard was nothing.

the lily white shall in love delight

days pass by so quickly now.
i barely have time to realise that it's thursday already.
i'm sure it was just sunday yesterday?
work has totally got me sucked in.
not that i mind too much.
it keeps me busy and it has it's perks.
but the bad thing is i hardly write anymore.
and its certainly been a long time since i've been awake at 4am.
don't you think it's funny when you hear a song you've never heard before and instantly you know that the lyric was written about you, for you...
yeah i think it's crazy too...
someone else felt how you felt/feel...
my minds rushing.
sometimes it'd be nice to feel nothing.
he wanted my heart but i gave him my soul.
don't need no drugs
you're my chemical
addicted to those glances taking chances tonight...

a million miles from home

love and lust are two completely different things, or so i'm told.
i sit and write from a super busy day.
all i want to do is get drunk, so drunk i can feel nothing.
i'd quite like to feel numb right now.
but i have no idea why.
i suppose theres too much going on right now.
wondering if the right choices have been made.
wondering if i've done the right thing.
and apparently i'm too nice
maybe i need to turn on super bitch mode when working.
but i find it hard to be like that at work.
i'm still all smiles.
i look at how far i've come and i can't help but smile.
this time last year i was unsure.
i'd made some choices and i'd took some chances.
and i'm well aware that everything happens for a reason.
these reason, choices and chances have made me a better person
i often wonder where i'll be a year from now.
will i still be in Wales?
will i still be in the same job?
will i just be a girlfriend?
or will i be married?
will i be a mother?
will i be single?
so many questions.
and no answers.
i can only wait and see.
i will have the answers a year from now.
only i can create the path i'm about to take.
to apologies.
to glances.
and to messed up chances.
to all those times kid.
and to always all ways.
forever.

imagine you're life being turned upside down and inside out.
imagine having no control over this.
imagine everything and everyone you know being fake.
imagine you didn't come from the place you called home.
imagine the one person who can confirm or deny being dead.
that's how i feel right now.
i need answers.

perfect weather to fly?

i dont think i have ever felt this pissed off.
too many things.
not enough time.
those plasters you put on?
you just pulled them off.
but the wounds hadn't finished healing.
thanks for nothing.
a car drive back to the motherland?
maybe.

the rich are getting richer...

Want to know what pisses me off?
Those sat in the House of Commons and the House of Lords bringing my country to it's knees.
Wheres Robin Hood when you need him?
Politics...

let me kiss you?

super excited that i've got tickets to see Morrissey in York.
Thanks for the tip off.
Or else i'd be hung high and dry.
i like to reflect on what music has done for me.
and The Smiths and Morrissey are no exception.
sometimes i feel blessed to be a Manchester girl
so i can refer to bands like the smiths and call them my boys, from my city.
i may have moved postcodes
but my heart will always be m46
certain songs take me back to the very moment i heard them,
what point in my life i was at, who i was dating, how i was feeling.
i'm driving your girlfriend home, she's laughing to stop herself crying.
powerful, yet poetic words.
how did i end up attached to this person?
i can't tell her.
Morrissey has been a solo artist for as long as i've been alive, 23 long years.
i was born in the wrong era, for sure.

sleep is for the weak...

or so i'm told.
my mind buzzes with all the things i should be doing
sleep is but a dream
both my boys are knocking out the zzzs but i'm far away.

lifegoesonorsotheysay

i'm angry.
angry that you won't grow up.
angry you won't move on.
annoyed that what was once just us is now everybody else
nothing is secret anymore and nothing is safe.
everythings in the open
and everybody knows.
i'm not public.
you know/knew that.
i wish you'd stand up for yourself
i wish you could see what i see
we're not the same
we never will be
but if there's one thing i've learnt
it's everything happens for a reason
and i will never hate somebody because hate is a strong word, too strong for me
a term used far too much, much like love i suppose
i've been down
lower than you'll ever be
lower than you've ever been
i've seen the black
i know how it really feels
there is nothing you can show me that i haven't already seen
time for a change?
the road back to preston was covered all in snow.
so i went looking for that stolen heart
for you
waiting for you.

i often find...

alcohol is the start and end to all of life's problems.
it gives you the confidence to say the things you never thought you would.
it makes you do things you are more than likely to wish you never did.
it takes the pain away.
it makes you feel numb.
there are only two types of honest people in this world...child and drunks.
take what you will.
do what you will.
but only you can make yourself happy.
only you can make the change.
everything happens for a reason.
riddles are an understanding.
a way of getting the truth out there.
without everyone knowing what you mean.
big change is on the horizon for me.
i hope you'll be along for the ride.
because it's going to be the best rollercoaster you've ever ridden and the worst haunted house you've ever visited.
every end has a start.x