i do actually sit at home and listen to the smiths

You're not as messed up as you think you are

Your self-absorption makes you messier

Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better

Deep down you're just like everybody else

She's not as pretty as she thinks she is

Just picture her after she's had kids

I bet she sits at home and listens to The Smiths

Deep down she's just like everybody else

So why are you sat at home?

You're not designed to be alone

You just got used to saying "no"

So get up and get down and get outside

Cos it's a lovely sunny day

But you hide yourself away

You've only got yourself to blame

Get up and get down and get outside

yes i am afraid right now

you didn't call.
not that i even thought you would.
which is why i went home to bed.
why do we even think there's a chance.
or why do i.
and why say those things to me.
for my own sake i'm glad my career means more to me than infatuation or lust.
unlike you.
i'll get over it by the way.
because the next time we meet.
i'll be successful.
and looking even more amazing then the last time.
no more emails to you.
just politeness and understanding.
in the last month or so i've seen the dark and dirty side to this industry.
i blame the way i'm so naive.
but i'm getting wise to it all now.
i heard on the grapevine it's 20 bonus points if you fuck a journalist.
10 points if you get her loaded.
and 5 points if you get her drunk.
but it's -20 points if she turns you down on any of the above.
my deepest apologies go out to those i turned down.
sorry gentlemen, better luck next time?
the other jobs going okay, just plodding along leading my double life.
i promise in my 30s this is going to make a killer book.

if i could say anything to you i would say

ceargh, what a mess.
i've stupidly fallen for you and this was far beyond my control
i know you're not interested and you don't care
but if you did
this is what i'd say

i miss you
i miss your smile
your wit
your content for the world
the way you made me smile
the crap coffee you make
i miss you lips
your kiss
your laugh
and your goofy smile
i dont believe you when you say you feel nothing
i know you felt something
i wish i could taste you again
feel you again
you're different.
i miss you

William, it was really nothing...

Take me out tonight.
Take me anywhere.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I miss you.
I wish i could understand.
How can you say I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved.
Just like everybody else does.
Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody
I hate the way you talk to me.
And the way you never cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my heart
I hate it when you state
I hate your stupid lifestyle
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it...
I hate the way you think you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh.
Even more when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around.
And the fact that you didn't try.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.
Good-night, good-night.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That I shall say good-night till it be morrow.
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Lilian and her Control

For you

Why is the bedroom so cold?
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed?
Our respect run so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal.
That we've kept through our lives.
Love, love will tear us apart again.

Do you cry out in your sleep?
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth.
As desperation takes hold.
Is it something so good?
Just can't function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again.

to the boy who doesnt even know i exist.

i like your shoes.
maybe we should go out some time?

the secret diary of a single sexless student

good use of alliteration is that.
things in lilyland?
all work no play
the usual if you must know.
more job prospects have been thrown my way
mainly in idea form
mainly in reality
and we've still not spoken
deep down i know why
i know what i want to say
but i wont
i feel like a fool

note to self...

1. buying too many vinyls is bad for the bank account.
do not under any circumstances spend either:
a, £60 on a limited edition gold from under the cork tree vinyl.
or
b, £45 on a movielife vinyl.
depite popular believe these items will not make life better.
only deprive me of hard earned cash that took me 17 hours and 30 minutes to earn.
bad times.

2. under no circumstances 2 bottles of rose wine should not be consumed in the space of an hour.
circumstances include:
a, surprise appearances of ex boyfriends/flings/things.
b, badbadbad 9 hour shifts.
c, drowning those single sorrows - cringe, i know.

3.there is more to life than working two jobs, building flat pack furniture and cleaning
more to life includes points 1 and 2
but not in excess.

currently listening - the cure and mamma mia! ost.
currently wishing - i was on a beach with a certain someone.
currently hoping - to stop dreaming the impossible

another day...

another four more times ive been asked why i'm single...

'a girl like you shouldnt struggle for a boyfriend' - your right i dont struggle, i could date any scroat from the streets, but im too fucking fussy, okay?

'your in your 20s now, i was married when i was your age' - and this tells me your more than likely divorced now, things have moved on since we entered Anno Domini.

'you don't have a boyfriend? why ever not?' - because i dont want one.

'what do you mean you don't want one?' - simple, i. dont. want. one. i'm too selfish, fussy and not in the slightest interested in, at this moment in time, sharing my life with someone and giving my valuable time to someone. the only pro for a relationship for me is regular sex, and even that fades after the honeymoon period.

yes im a cynic.
and yes, maybe i havent met the 'right' person yet.
what ever and who ever that may be.
my perfect man?
he would have to be very witty.
as a bonus, i quite enjoy a dry sense of humour.
someone who knows as much, but not more than me, about music and pointless shitty bands no-one else has ever heard of.
or at least someone who would listen to me witter on about how fabulous these shitty bands are.
quirk.
he would have to have quirk.
and possibly a pair of winkle pickers.
maybe a pair of skinny jeans, depending on how well he carried them off.
good fashion sense is a necessary.
if it was like design a boyfriend he would look like a cross between pete doherty, not that i find him attractive he just interests me, ben bostrom, because i do find him attractive and pete wentz, thrown in for good measure.
he would defiantly have to interest me, that matters more than anything.
more than looks.
more than cock size.
more than anything.
honesty is the best policy.
i love someone that interests me.
someone i just want to look at
and figure out.
interesting is good.
and someone who can write.
well not just write, someone who is good with words.
not speaking them.
but writing them down.
and obviously someone i'd just have to rip the clothes off and fuck right there and then.
but above everything
above the music
above the fashion
above the personality
and above the looks
someone who thinks im interesting
someone who thinks im beautiful
no matter what.
even when im ill...i.e. hungover
even when i just wake up, usually hungover.
and someone whos not afraid to tell me.
and when he does.
he says it from his heart.

off to work the little one said

what i shouold be doing today...
building more flatpack furniture
unpacking boxes
sorting my uni work out
writing up my interview and reviews
what i am doing today...
watching music on demand - why did no-one tell me about this earlier
downloading music
sitting on the sofa having an interseting saturday
and ive got to go to work later.
so maybe all the things i should be doing today
ill do when i get home from work over a glass of wine
or two.
i have an absolute addiction to downloading music
its insane
i hope monday sorts itself out.

time for an update my loves.

gosh.
ive left it a while.
sorry.
things have been more than a tad crazy recently.
i moved out of uni and back into home.
epic in its own way.
6 car trips and god knows how many hours spent packing.
finally got it all home and now all my 'shit' has no where to go.
and if high fidelity taught me anything, pressure on vinyl is not good!
so consequently today i, lilian mae, built a treble wardrobe flat pack thing from scratch, single handedly!
i am a diy goddess!
seriously considering giving up the whole writing/journalism thing to set up my own flat pack assemble business.
jokes.
but i was good at it.
and it looks ace.
looking after mum lately has been harder than expected.
i didnt realise how out of sync everything was at home.
she doesnt take her meds at the right times of the day.
on her bad days stuff just gets left.
and my brother generally takes the piss out of the whole situation.
but im glad im home now to sort it all.
in other news i walked past the boy of my dreams in Manchester on saturday
its very rare i see someone i thinks stupidly attractive.
im far too picky.
nose is too big.
terrible hair.
too short.
i know its terrible but i cant help it.
i always go for personality and i guess looks second.
being quirky, interesting and knowing loads about music is far more important to me than looks.
anyroad...
this guy was beautiful.
in every sense of the word.
and he had nice shoes.
but i didnt get his number.
or even talk to him.
i didnt want to ruin it for myself.
i'm 99.9% sure he would have been a prick.
on a new note.
amy winehouses beehive.
man its huge.
bbc3 is showing me what i missed from glasto.
and by all accounts you couldnt miss her beehive.
one day i will create one just as big, if not bigger.
shes singing back to black.
and im not happy with this performance.
shes singing the chorus.
then doing like weird noises/random notes in the verses.
which only leads me to believe shes forgot the words.
someone please give that girl a good roast dinner with all the trimmings and extra roasties.
on a positive note, she looks very tanned.
chin up amy dear.

Rest in Peace Dana

i would have said this to you face to face.
but im so rubbish with saying things.
i'm so much more better with writing them.
i dont know why i want to give you this.
or let you read it.
but i just do.
something tells me i should.
i found your side project on myspace.
it touched me in so many ways.
and i cried for like two hours.
i could relate to it.
i almost lost my mum to cancer, she went into hospital the day after my 18th birthday.
and finally went into remission just over a year later.
it broke our family up
and tested me more than i ever thought possible.
when there was no-one there for me.
music saved me.
music held my hand.
and music wiped my tears.
i couldnt imagine my life without her.
shes my guidance and my rock.
but at least i would have had the chance to say goodbye.
i feel so lucky that shes still with me, and i do always hug her that bit more.
and tell her how much i love her everyday.
but i know the time will come when she won't be with me anymore.
and i'll have to deal with it.
but what also touched me about the promise of redemption.
is it reminded me of when my long term relationship of three years ended.
i know what it feels like to love someone so much that your heart could burst.
and for them to be all you can think about from morning to night.
then to have them taken away from you.
even though he's still around, things have changed.
and will never be the same as they where.
i know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stamped on.
it makes me feel so sad to think that could happen to you.
apart from she's not around anymore.
and you'll have to wait a little bit longer to see her again.
i know ive only met you twice.
but already your one of the nicest people ever.
your musics really inspired me.
your kind, genuine and funny.
Shane, you and Dana are forever in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for continuing to write music and make such an impact on the world.

yes i am on an indefinite hiatus...im just not very good at it.

on sunday me and the bff came to a conclusion.
we'd go on an indefinite hiatus from men.
i'm sick of them and so is she.
sick of being second best.
sick of having 'mixed' feelings.
sick of the bullshit.
it sounded like a good and positive idea at the time.
we didnt realise how hard it would be to keep it up.

i've been listening to a lot of mayday parade recently.
the words mean a lot more to me than i would have ever guessed.
but to meet the band, there not at all what i would have expected.
when ever i meet a band i'm really into.
it completely shatters the illusion and completely ruins it for me.
but at least this time i can still listen to the songs.

so whats running though my head right now?
why things dont just work.

From the worst day ever...

To the best idea in a while.
well for my spoken word piece.
ive decided to recall and discuss ALL of my love intrests.
Or at least the ones that where important enough to remember.
In no particular order.
Just the way they are in my head and the ones i feel like talking about on a particular day.

1. T
T, where to start with T, he was definatly the first.
The one i wanted to hold hands with.
Kiss on the check.
Roll down the hill with.
Cheer when he won the sack race.
Or scored a goal.
He was the one ALL the girls liked.
It's safe to say i crushed on him for most of my primary school life.
Good news now is hes fucking ugly.
and strange.
now maybe thats not a nice thing to say.
but its true.
not a cat in hells chance now boy.

i think thats all i want to talk about for tonight.
i have a busy day tomorrow.

so impossible

i have the strangest feeling tonight.
the best way to describe it.
i feel like i'm a big jigsaw and im missing a piece,
or the piece i have doesnt fit.
and i cant figure out why?
but the piece i need/doesnt fit is super important.
no, i dont really get it either.
ive got a really busy day tomorrow.
but im looking forward to it.
busy is good for me.
i'm starting to write my spoken word piece for open mic night.
yes, ive decided to finally share my work.
yes, im absolutely terrified.
it could go terribly wrong
and it probably will.
but the ideas there, right?
anyway moving on.
ive lost my download list.
damn.
this only means one thing.
to bed to bed to bed.
over and out.
lily poddle pod.x

Short, Sweet and Single.

Arnt you a lucky bunch of unique boys and girls.
Another blog.
I'm pretty tired so we'll keep it short and sweet.
Currently functioning on 4 hours sleep.
Stupid amounts of caffine.
Silly texts and cute facebook messages.
Current annoyance, fucking automated myspace messages...
Fuck off...just write me a personal one.
That is all.
Told you it was short and ever so sweet.
Lilyspacerocketmae.x

Hegmony...yeahyeah...thats like a holiday in Scotland or something, right?

Dear My Little Home Skillets.
How are you?
Good, good, glad to hear it.
I on the other hand, should be fretting something rotten over these exams.
But in true Lily fashion, I am not.
What will be, will be.
I shall try to do my best.
And blag as much as possible.
I'm quite good at that.
But at the end of the day...I want to be a music journalist.
Why must i write about politics?
Nope, i don't know either.
Plans for after my exams?
Work.
Resitsss.
Do what i should have been doing all year.
Study that bit harder.
Party that bit less.
Shows =)
Holidays.
General fun times.
In other news, im hooked on podcasts...
Free and awesome.
What more need i say?
I deeply recommend...Meet The Author and The Kerrang Night Before Podcasts.
I think its time for bed.
My heart rate has slowed down and my eyes are heavy.
Gonna grab a crafty 2 hours before up for more revision.
Modality, Agenda Setting, Ideology, Propaganda and Hegmony are not going to scream at me how they help politicians issues in a positive manner and how they help charities combat compassion fatigue or how they operate in relation to advertising.
Yeah you get the picture.
I'll leave you with this:
What you should be feeding your ears with this week: Does It Offend You, Yeah?
What you should be feeding your eyes with this week: Nick Hornby - Slam.
What you should be feeding your nose with this week: Home Cooking (Y).
What you should be feeding your wardrobe with this week: Lazy Oaf.
Take Care.
Until next time and no more exams.
Yours
Lilypod.x

i wished i had never loved at all.

who did actually say its better to have loved and lost
than to never loved at all?
because they lied.
i seem to have got myself into a big mess.
i cant turn the clock back
and i cant get out of it.
i just have to keep plodding along and hoping for the best.
theres nothing left to say except sorry.
you didnt really care much but i wanted you to.
i want to blame you but thats not really fair is it.
i hope this makes you happy now.
the flame we had has burned out.
completely.
i think i might just lock myself in my room for the next two nights.
and not have contact with anyone.
just stay here on my own.
i saw a warning sign.
and ignored it.
but lets not forget your a pisces.
you fall in love too easily.
and your in love with the idea of being in love.
someone chuck this girl the happy pills please.
Thanks

Situations

I often wonder what the fuck I’m playing at?
Life sometimes blends together and confuses me.
I’m currently on a diet.
Why I hear you ask.
Because the girls in the video where skinny.
No-one wants a size 12 girl as a model.
Don’t talk daft.
I know it’s a long shot.
So from now on its a little less chips, a little more salad.
It’s sad it’s come to this.
But my aim is to cut to 1000 calories a day.
To go jogging 3 times a week
And do 30 sit ups a night
And 20 press ups a night. Both weekends only.
It scares me a tad to think that the media has changed my mind set to this.
But at the moment it’s all about losing inches.
So tomorrow morning is jogging time.
Then I need to clean this shit hole of a room.
Then go shopping.
Frigadig.
And ive also been thinking about you.
As if you still owe me £180.
You go on holiday and you still owe me £180.
Call me petty.
Call me what you will.
But £180 is my Paul’s boutique bag, a new camera and KIGH tickets.
This is the main reason I can’t go to coffee with you.
In hindsight give me the money.
And let’s forget the past.
Then the friendships back on.
Until then.
I’m having a hard time.
Do you even know how much I want a Paul’s boutique bag?
Also to the scummer in Satan’s.
I hope my camera suits you well.
Now I have to save up for a new one.
Wanker.
To a certain Mister A. Philips.
Can we make out?
I’ve got a bet going on.
And it’s been a while since I’ve locked lips.
Thankyou.
Yours forever and always.
Until next time
Miss Lilian Mae.

There never seems to be enough hours in the day...

Hello.
How are you today?
Good, i'm glad.
My response would be good to.
But that's a lie.
And i don't lie to you.
I'm okay i guess.
Just extremely tired these days.
Bad times.
I've got so much on and so much today.
I don't seem to have time for anyone.
Which sucks.
I've been thinking a lot today.
Someone told me there was no point in being in a relationship until your completely happy with the way you are and the way your life is.
And until then, theres no point in letting another person into it.
I think that's true.
I'm told i can have anyone i want.
But who do i want if anyone.
The truth be known.
I'm scared to see you again.
What would the situation be like.
How would we both react.
We're exs for a reason.
Have we resolved that list we both keep in our top draw?
Because if we haven't whats the point in failing again.
I'm full of questions with no answers.
On a different topic.
Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.
And i am on it!
Just you watch me.

crush crush crushcrush

i was on my way to bed.
when i realised i hadn't updated in a while.
then i heard a song that reminded me of summer and my high school sweetheart.
it got me thinking how songs can make you do that.
just stop and think.
whatever your doing becomes irrelevant.
and the song takes over.
it takes you back to that day.
that time.
that place.
you can smell the same smells
and hear the same sounds.
its strange.
and i love it.
music is so powerful and so fuelled with emotion
we almost always underestimate it.
and sometimes we dont even get or understand the emotion until after it's happend and you've had chance to reflect.
for example, i was lying in bed and 100 times by hit the lights came on.
fuck.
i wish these song writers would get the hell out from under my bed and out of my life.
why did we even try?
do you miss me more than you did before?
i showed you my heart, you showed me the door.
i'll make you promises, you know i can't keep.

i have this playlist i listen to everynight when i'm in bed on my ipod.
it's named sad.
but i often wonder if it is.
or if it's just chilled out.
or if it's just the songs that reflect a certain point in my life.
maybe i'm thinking too much.

and i was just thinking...

My name is Lilian Chase Mae.

Only two L's in Lilian please.

I am almost 20.

And i'm 5'10.

Fucking tall, i know.

You can call me an alcholic.

But i call it a damn good time.

I hate hand cream.

I love takeout.

I'm a fan of coffee.

I don't do mornings.

I prefer the nights.

To be fair,

I'm a wishful thinking.

With the worst intentions.

I talk shit.

And fake my smiles too much.

I'm often bored.

And waste my hours on the internet.

I love the nights that turn into mornings.

And my friends that are now my family.

I am so messy it isn't even funny any more.

To be honest i just want to fall in love.

And be happy.

Sad.

But true.

I am a sucker for music.

Scream me a love song please.

I could go on like this forever.

Told you i shit talk.

You don't have Cobra Starship? What kind of fucking club is this?

so this week has been a funny old week.
as most of weeks seem to be.
but especially this week.
think the three day bender did if for me to be fair.
day one. smart price red wine alone.
day two. local with the best. followed by jager with the best.
day three. town with the best.
and now after my binge i am left looking like a washed up amy winehouse
if only i could pull off this look and a ten foot high beehive.
life would be fabulous.
actually not a washed up winehouse.
winehouse on a good day.
anyway special k and a book time.
go team *high five* [Napoleon style arm drag]
haha i love it.x

for the first time

its finally just clicked into place.
i had a lucky fucking escape.
i much prefer my life this way.
intresting.
more than just pissing money up a wall.
very intresting indeed.
real update later after i've done my law essay.
and eaten with my wife.x

friends dont let friends dial drunk

for the third time today.
i will finally write something.
i have been alone with my thoughts today.
never really a good thing post breakup.
it is said you take something from every failed relationship.
from this one i'm taking away never say 'lets talk',
he thinks it means breakup.
and also (double takeaways, awesome) never say 'lets talk' when he's intoxicated.
he thinks it means yell breakup down the phone.
so yes ladies and gentleman,
i have been once again tossed into the single pile.
the girls allowed me to lick my wounds over copious amounts of red wine last night.
it was my downfall.
i expected to feel right as rain now.
but i feel this is just a temporary glitch, I'll be fine tomorrow.
other news, licking wounds over two bottles of wine can also result in agreeing to fix ups.
oh my.
don't worry, when the 12 units of alcohol left my body i almost instantly regretted sending the text.
Dr pepper, what's the worst that could happen.
Quite a few songs seem to allow there lyrics to relate to me today.
Yes it's one of those days too.
Thought of the day...fill up days with lots of things to do, therefore i will have no time for thinking.
plan.

2008

2008.
new years resolutions.
1. diet.
2. join gym.
3. curve spending.
4. have positive hardworking attitude.
5. text less/more depends on the situation.
and i can safely say i have broken all of these already.
those who know me.
knew this would happen.
those who didn't.
well it wasn't rocket science