Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Bullshit Has A Body Count

and soon i'm not going to be allowed to have teen angst
because i wont be a teen anymore
i'll be an adult.
will this change the way i feel about things?
about myself?
of course it won't.
birthdays dont mean shit.
getting old means nothing.
its just a number.
another year here
another year there
i moved some music from my computer over to my laptop today.
music from years ago
bands i used to adore.
bands i used to spend hours waiting in the cold to meet.
and to tell how much they had changed my life.
and in one case
even saved it

i'd like to say things we're different when i was 15
but i still felt the same then
as i do now
i still had the same problems
all though i fear they're slighty worse now
i left school at 16
i was in love with my best friend
i had a boyfriend who loved me
but i didnt love back
that summer i left my boyfriend
he tried to kill himself
i flinged with my best friend and lost him forever
i moved into a house i hated
i started a college i hated with no friends
i lost my dad forever
my mum moved away
does.anyone.notice?
does.anyone.care?
was written on my mirror.
i imagined myself dead
i was a lost soul.
then i found someone
then he broke me
he cheated on me
he was all i had
my ray of light in my grim dark life
then i began drinking
no-one noticed
i began hurting
no-one noticed
no-one cared
i asked for help
it was on my mirror
no-one came
i spent my 16th year hurting
my greatest desire was for my father to find me dead in the afternoon from the night before
i wanted him to walk into my room after work
to shout and rant at me for not going to college
i wanted my blooded body to by lying on my bed
the cream 'dining room' walls sprayed scarlet with my blood
the gashes clear to see in my wrists
the blood all dried and my beautiful body already starting to decay
how could you let this happen dad?
i wanted you to see that.
and then i wanted you to wake up in the middle the night for the rest of your life wondering what you could have done to save me
the answer isnt hard
it wasnt
all you had to do was be there for me
and you couldnt be.
i wish i'd spent my 16th year doing normal 16 year old girl things.
but i didnt.
and i cant turn back the clock
now im almost 20
whats changed.
im single
i can have any bloke i want
if i want to have sex
i go and get it
if i want someone to take me out on a date
they do
ive fought depression
ive not come out the other side yet
but im getting there
ive watched my mother almost die
ive watched and helped her fight cancer and stills
i almost gave my own life away when i took a few too many prescription pain killers
ive been no angel
and ive had harming relapses
i have no regrets
ive learned from my mistakes
and ive grown
i'll get there

music does this to you
it takes you back
back to the bad days
back to the last time you heard a particular song and you where crying your heart out
because some basterd ripped your heart out and stamped on it
in one way or another
it reminds you of the people you'd rather forget
it takes you back all those years
when you knew nothing about the world
about the boys you would end up dating
and your tiny heart they would break
you knew nothing about the way your family would pan out
and then when you do
music fixes its all
sometimes it makes it worse
but most time it fixes you
reminds you that it wasnt your fault the boys you dated didnt care
or that it wasnt your fault your family split

maybe being 20 wont be that bad
maybe leaving 7 years of teen angst wont hurt that much.
ill let you know in march