i felt a massive need to write...

publicly.
which isn't like me at the moment.
everythings being kept under wraps for my new book.
i have so much to share.
but to which audience.
i've been alone this week.
it's been a good thing and a bad thing.
being alone with my thoughts has always been a clash.
i've decorated the bathroom...massive sense of achievement.
i've missed the unmissable.
i've wanted to be someone else, some other time and some other place.
i counted the exs that mattered on one hand.
i lost count of the ones that didn't matter.
i planned 10 years into the future.
scrapped it.
planned it again.
scrapped that.
and realised plans never come true.
sleep isn't coming to me easily these days.
i have more troubles than i care to share.
i should sleep
it's going to be one hell of a weekend.x

i'm sorry

I don't think i've been the best girlfriend since i've got back from America.
infact i'd say i've been take. take. take.
which isn't like me.
I'm sorry.
i don't think i'm dealing very well with being back.
i'm so happy to be back and with you.
being with you is all i ever want to do.
it's just the weather.
work.
the way of life here.
i need to shake this feeling.
because i need you to know that it's not you that's causing me to feel like this.
i adore you.
you're the light, the warmth, the love that keeps me going.
i need to get positive and think about all the wonderful things that happen in winter.
i suppose it doesn't help that i can't stand Christmas.
what are you going to do with me?
i love you.x

it means nothing...

if i haven't got you.
i can't wait to spend forever with you.
you are the one.
don't miss me when i'm gone.
because i'll be coming back to you.
it means nothing if i haven't got you.
i love you.x

since i told you it's over...

did we take the time to be all the things we'd said we'd be.
i don't think we did.
i sometimes wish i could change things.
make people happy.
hurt less people.
give life.
save the world.
but you can only play with the cards you're delt.
it's a matter of which game you're playing.
and how you're going to play.
in the past i've played some pretty shitty games with no rules and only one winnner.
i've played games i didn't even realise i was playing.
i've broken rules i knew i was breaking.
i've done things even though i knew that they where wrong.
i've lied.
i've hurt.
and i'm the one that's lost.
that's all changing now.
i'm finding myself.
i'm discovering someone i never knew exsisted.
i changed lanes.
i probably didn't pick the best time to do it.
but i did.
forget what's dead and gone.
i can't change it.
and neither can you.
i'm sorry for the lies and the pain.
i never meant to make you cry.

my first football match: Wigan 2 - Preston 1

I experienced my first football match yesterday.
i loved it.
and i've never quite seen anything like it.
i could not believe how close to the pitch i was.
those men running around looked like men, not ants.
the pitch was so green.
the chants, the boys behind me who could clearly do better, the atmosphere.
the men.
all those men who just wanted to behave as if they where at high school again.
90 minutes when all that mattered was football, beer and chants.
it really was a different world.
i loved it.
not what i imagined.
the euphoria of your team scoring a goal.
the depression and silence of your team losing.
the abuse, the chants, the hand claps, the shouting, the songs.
if you've never been go.
i wish i could be that passionate about 22 nancy boys and a balloon.

to the missing puzzle piece from the butterfly

love storms the castle gates of common sense
it breaks down walls
and moves mountains

you can't stop love
you can fight it but it will always win

love is strange
love is wonderful
and sometimes love is cold

love can make you jump
love can make you shout
love can make you fly

love is innocent
love is rude
love shares
and love cares

love is unreasonable
love is beautiful

love is when you can't spend a minute without it
and the thought of being without it fills you with fear
love is like oxygen

i always wondered what it meant to know
how would you just know?
i never understood
it sounds ridiculous
but the ridiculous thing is...it's true

it's a feeling you can't explain
it's an ache in your stomach
a pounding in your chest
a warmth
a feeling of being wanted
a need
a smile that will never leave your lips
a connection
and the strangest thing is, you know from the moment your eyes meet
a rush of emotion
i've never been more sure of anything
you just know you will spend the rest of your life with that one person
and nothing else matters
the past trys to creep in, sometimes you might let it
but you realise it doesn't matter
not really
all that matters is the here and now
and of course your future together

love will never fail to surprise me
one word that can change everything
one word that can complete you

smile
laugh
live
learn
love.xxx

for my missing puzzle piece...

someone told me recently that my writing was a bit depressing.
this is true.
that someone was right.
i think this is because i only write when i'm sad.
this is a waste.
the worlds been falling down around me lately.
but things happen at the strangest times.
in the strangest ways.
i feel like a teen again.
i feel excited.
holding hands is enough.
i have a flutter.
i have a smile.
i want to shout really loud as loud as i can.
i want to run as fast as i can anywhere.
i'm happy.
and there's nothing wrong with that.
i'll be sunning my bones in L.A. soon enough.
how things work out.
fate.

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best...

Monroe said it.
And of course she said it best.
I'm selfish.
I'm impatient.
I'm insecure.
I make mistakes.
I am out of control.
At times hard to handle.
I laugh.
I cry.
I live.
I love.
I always get the punchline wrong.
Teenage Dream

life is an important learning curve.
i'm 22 and i'm still learning.
people are never who they seem.
everyone has two faces.
everyone uses situations to the best of there advantage.
everyone will stab you in the back.
i'm just glad i know that now.

parachute

I will stop
And you will stare.
We will have our moment and continue in secret.
I haven’t wrote you in a while.
Things have been crazy.
And words, for once, haven’t been enough.
I’m not even sure if they are now.
I’ve been feeling like I’m losing myself.
I haven’t felt that way since the dreaded d.
I’ve felt alone and scared.
I’ve been tired.
And I’m not scared to admit I’ve thought of calling it quits.
But as I’ve said before, I did not come this far to end it all now.
I miss your arms and the way you smile.
Give me love over.
Love over.
Love over this.
That’s if love exists.
Infact no.
Don’t.
Give nothing.
Give me hate, anger and hurt.
Give me nothingness.
Don’t make me feel.

got to get away

i'm not sure what to write today.
but i know i should write.
if the world fell apart around me right now.
i don't think i'd care too much.
i need to listen to more city and color.

...

no words to describe
no actions to show
no sweet taste in my mouth
no ache in my bones
no love lost
and no pain felt
numb
now back to everyday life
waiting for the day youre not looking for something else?

note to self: personal life is private.

i'm sick of playground rules
i'm sick of childish behaviour.
i'm sick of gangs.
i'm sick of trying to be cool.
i'm sick of gossips.
i'm sick of everything taking place on the Internet.
i'm sick of stupid rumours.
i'm sick of backstabbers.
and i'm sick of people hurting each other.
life is for living.
backs are not made for stabbing.
sometimes things don't work out.
yes it's sad when they don't.
but life goes on.
everything happens for a reason and it's no need to be so bitter.
so angry.
so immature.
i'm starting to feel like a grown up.
and for a change this is a good feeling.
i think it's time for other people to start acting like adults too.
now fancy that.

i didnt think this was a divorce

it's been an intresting week.
actually i don't think intresting covers it.
most definatly a mix of emotions.
but the good news is i'm all good.
it helps to have someone to hold your hand thoughout it all.
sometimes its nice to stand still and appriacate what you have.
i think i've been speeding along far to fast missing everything.
and now i've slowed down i'm enjoying everything so much more.
i think i'll be planning the big trip for August.
i want to see a baseball game.
get really drunk in new york on cosmopolitons.
make a warped tour date.
walk the border.
go to an ice bar in iceland.
put my feet in the other side of the atlantic.
see a gig.
visit angels and kings.
and come home and realise how much i missed everything.
this time next year...
how will i reflect?
where will i be?
i know where i want to be.
i could never lie
the truths spill from my lips
i can taste love on my tongue and its screaming for attention.
i'm glad you get it.

take my tattoo, take my house, take my music, but you still can't have me, you never will.

i want a summer time.
i want flowers and sunshine.
i want to not be ill anymore.
i'm getting really frustrated with it.
and myself.
i'm not keen on the real world.
i want to be silly, immature and free forever.
the good news is i'm not alone.
it will be an uphill struggle but i won't be alone.
i've never written a cliche before. oh wait thats a lie.
why is it i can write all the wrong things.
i can write just what you don't want to read.
maybe that's a secret skill?
i've been 22 for a week.
what have a learnt?
don't trust anyone.
go with your heart.
love is fragile, wonderful and beautiful.
having an operation isn't fun.
you will be backstabbed in the strangest ways.
leaping doesn't always been you'll fall.
someone can take your dreams but you can make new dreams because you are amazing.
it can feel like someones taking all of you for themselves, they can't, it's impossible, always take it as a compliment, they want you because you're great.
roll on another week?
deep breaths.
big smiles.
bruises.
and scars.
as if i'd have it any other way?!

i want my mtv

and after all these years i still do not know the words to money for nothing.
it's the only song that i don't know the words too.
i always get them all mixed up.
i don't like being in your room when youre not here.
it makes me miss you more.
i want to thankyou for being so wonderful.
but i'm not so good at saying thankyou out loud.
infact i'm not so good at saying much out loud.
i'm much better with fingers on keys.
but thankyou.
thankyou.
thankyou.
everyday you do something a little bit more wonderful than the day before and it never fails to make me smile.
i love you.
more.

for you...x

love may storm the castle gate of commen sense.
love might tear you apart.
love could make you lack composure.
and love could break your heart.
you might give your heart to those who will drop it.
you'll probably toss your heart to those who can't catch.
but when you least expect it, love sneaks up on you.
it will grab you from behind with a firm grasp.
it makes you hand over your heart to that one person without a fight.
love is strange, crazy and unpredictable.
love wouldn't have it any other way.
love is when you can say those three words.x

Dear love and lust,

thankyou thankyou thankyou.
yours,
lust and love.
p.s. can you always make everyday this wonderful?

your name is already scratched upon my lips

Manchester so much to answer for.
You know that feeling when it clicks?
It's clicked.
Definatly time for me and you to take over the world.
Fast paced.
Soft faced.
Love is always something more than a feeling in the tummy.
It's a long conversation.
It's learning something new about something you thought you didn't care about.
It's about leaping.
Falling and being caught.
I would share the world with you.
naive, young and not too clever, will it be this way forever?
we don't need money, lets get under the covers.
just as long as we've got each other.

text.

i tend the mobile now, like an injured bird.
we text, text, text our significant words.
i re-read your first, your second, your third.
look for your small xx feeling absurd.
the codes we send arrive with a broken chord.
i try to picture your hands their image is blurred.
nothing my thumbs press will ever be heard.

<3 xx

a weeks worth of rambling...

I need a minute on my own
I think I’m having a secret love affair with the Liam Fray type in my head.
It feels good.
Who else could woo me with words of bullion?
How can I create a work of art?
Domestic bliss? Are you taking the piss?
A few years and eighteen shades of brown are all that separated us.
We could have got married, I could have carried some of your sons.
Do you remember that time I raised my voice when you said you’d never heard of The Smiths?
These type of relationships never last.
Oh darling can’t you see that it’s got fuck all to do with me?
Please don’t pretend that we’ll stay friends.
Because you know as well as I do, that will, that just will never happen.
i’m not going to sit here and lie and list all of the ways I’m supposed to love you.
I think we both know that we’re young and in half a years time I wouldn’t be yours and you probably won’t be mine.
Yes, Liam Fray would write the most amazing song about how he didn’t really love you in the first place or that he completely loved you and you left him.
These Liam Fray types are probably no good for girls like me.
Scrap that, I’ll have a love affair with the book type…
Maybe the Nick Hornby or the Tom Robbins type?
The Liam Fray types only last a few months.
That kiss, it lasted too long and we probably shouldn’t have danced to that song.
It was nothing.
It was everything.
Why is it so hard to explain to you?
I know that I shouldn’t.
But I enjoyed it.
The lust, the lack of trust, the temptation you fought.
When it’s good it’s very good.
When it’s bad, it’s very cold.
Just pull yourself together.


The one thing I will always miss about home?
Manchester.
The one thing I love to hate about home?
Wigan Road.
The one thing I know will always be apart of my life?
The Masons Arms
That will never change.
The one thing that will always remind me of home?
Winter Hill.


And look at me like that again…
And I swear I will twat you, I’ll pull you’re hair just for fun sweetheart.
For the record,
I collected vinyl before it was cool.
I’ve got more 7” than you’ve had shags.
But no I would never trade.


I’ve decided I hate American pop stuff.
But it’s like a secret love in small doses.
Because it’s so sickly…
But so likable.
I mean what the hell, the top down in the summer sun?
The day we met was like a hit and run?
And I still taste it on my tounge?
Firstly what the hell is summer sun?
I’m English.
Secondly a hit and run? Surely that’s a bad thing.
And thirdly…surely a hit and run tastes of panic, chaos and blood?
To me not a good start to a relationship.
I am rewriting this song to make more sense.
Top down in the winter rain.
The day we met was like something and something.
And I still taste it on my tongue.
I used to be love drunk but now I’m hungover *shakes my head*
You wouldn’t get this from Joy Division.


And my lyric of the week…
The neighbours complain about the noises above, but she only cums when she’s on top
James – Laid.



Maybe me and you were never that tight?
You’re having a shit time well I’m having a ball.
I wonder how many hits a heart can take?
I adore how certain songs make me feel about certain things.
And it will forever amaze me that at the time it’s such big deal.
It’s the worst thing to happen since the last horrible thing that happened.
Then when you look back at things, it wasn’t so bad at all.

Being with the family...

is actually the best.
when things go wrong return to the family home.
and that will make things right.
things are kinda insane at the moment.
but i don't think i'd have them any other way.
that's just me.
heart on the sleeve.
head in the clouds.
being 21 is good.
being 22 is going to be even better.
usa usa usa
my summer already smells of bbqs, the sea, rays of summer and a crazy time.
i can't wait.
i never want to grow up.
i want to be young, have no responsiblitys and to fall in love forever.
so apart from the usa what else am i going to do with my summer?
well hopefully a world superbike round...
a cbt/bike test...
a few amazing gigs...
download...
running the great north run..
maybe a sun holiday?
who knows.
the world is my playground.
and i love it.

i would tell you no, just to hear you ask me again...

recently i've started making top 5 lists of everything.

it's my new favourite thing to do.

i want to spill everything from my mouth about you.

everything i feel, see and hear.

but i doubt i ever will.

and just so you know, i would never ever ever go out with Rob from the vinyl store.

i need a man who knows where he's going, knows what he wants.

a man that wants me just as much as i want him.

and a man that can keep my head in the clouds, my feet on the ground and my heart racing.

i need a match she said as she walked home that night.

i'm either going to start a fire or fall in love.

i will tell you no a million times just to hear you say it again.

because every time it feels that bit more like reality.

and i like it...

she whispered.x

disclaimer...

just a quick word to say that this blog isnt about anybody...
or anything in particular.
sometimes it may seem to reflect my life...
guess what...
it doesn't.
i use this blog as inspiration for my storys...
as a record of those lyrics and poems i love...
as i collection of feelings and emotions rarely felt by others.
you don't have to worry too much that this is about you.
because it isn't.
take what you will.
deal with things as they come.
go with the flow.
i do...

She can’t believe a damn thing you said, where are we going?

i don't know if i'm coming or going.
i'm not sure what i want apart from to travel.
That's the only thing i'm sure of.
but if you ever need self validation just meet me in the alley by the railway station.
and the words spill from my drunken mouth.
i will always do my best to keep them in.
someone hit the lights?
theres much more here to be seen...
oh yeah and if you're ever in Camden...
Check out The Worlds End...my perfect pub.x

what goes around, comes around...

How glad i am i realised before it was too late...

John Copper Clark said it best...i just think you're a twat.

i do believe it's take this to your grave time.

London/Wigan/Manchester = a good week.

Did i ever tell you the one about the girl and the boy?

i didn't think so...i'll tell you tomorrow.

I am taking back my bands...

Top 5 Break-up Songs...

1. Good Charlotte - I Don't Wanna Be In Love

2. Mayday Parade - Three Cheers For Five Years

3. Anberlin - (The Symphony Of) Blase

4. The Rifles - Peace and Quiet

5. Fall Out Boy - Thanks For The Memories


It's called breaking up because it's broken...
Now where is that Tequila?
and how much of life have i actually missed?

Which came first the music or the misery? Did i listen to music because i was miserable? Or was i miserable because i listened to music?

Elbow – Newborn

I’ll be the corpse in you’re bath tub. Useless.

Guy Garveys voice is absolutely priceless.

Whisper what you feel.

The talent of Elbow is untrue.

This is my badly strung declaration to you.

The Smiths – Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

And tell me how long before the right one?

It’s The Smiths. It’s morbid. And I don’t care.

This story is old. I know. But it goes on.

Morrissey is a legend and Marr is a genius.

Nothing else need be said.

Teen angst lasts longer than your teens…

But I guess adult angst doesn’t sound right?

The Spill Canvas – Lullaby

It’s the way you blush when you’re nervous.

I adore The Spill Canvas, they haven’t ever done a bad song.

It’s about how you laugh out of pity. Because lets be honest, I’m not really that funny.

I like everything they stand for and what they sing about.

Because aren’t we all just looking for love?

Sometimes we find it,

Sometimes we don’t,

Sometimes it hurts,

And sometimes it just works.

Jeff Buckley – Everybody Here Wants You

Because his only song wasn’t Hallefuckinglujah.

I know everybody here thinks he needs you.

This should be an R n B song, I actually can’t believe it’s not been covered already.

The sea of fools has parted for us, there’s nothing in our way my love.

The Rifles – When I’m Alone

Friends that just want to kiss?

Friends that are in love?

Because I smile when you’re there.

But I cry when I’m all alone.

It’s far too hard to say to you don’t go.

Team Hate Nelson – Mrs. Beautiful

The only song I have and can find by this band.

I can die happy, as long as I die staring at your face.

And I love it. love it. love it.

They tell me is it dangerous living life for a fling.

I tell them is it jealously because they haven’t felt what I’m feeling.

I like the way there’s actually so much emotion in his voice.

The way he adores her but doesn’t think he’s enough for her.

When really he’s all she needs.

Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart

Because I truly believe it’s possible to love someone so much that the love will just self destruct.

And why not?

Love is a powerful unpredictable thing.

Why is it something so good just can’t function no more?

Love will tear us apart…again.

Morrissey – Let Me Kiss You

Because Morrissey’s even good without Marr.

Would you let me cry on your shoulder? I’ve heard that you’ll try anything twice.

But it’s still not The Smiths.

But who cares?

Let Me Kiss You.

October Fall – It Was Summer (Baby Steps)

October Fall should never have broke up.

I say we forget what we know, keep taking baby steps.

This is a feel good song that’s about friends and summer.

In summer heat we lose our clothes, it won’t hurt what they don’t know.

And about falling in love and taking it slow.

If I can’t have you, I’ll dream about you.

Baby steps are better than walking backwards.

AFI – The Killing Lights

5am on the bathroom floor from the night before do you find me dreadful?

To me the idea of killing lights is drugs.

And killing time is an act of accidental self destruction.

Such a pretty face often will look dreadful.

Which is unfortunately something I can relate too.

But lucky for me I didn’t self destruct.

New Order – Regret

I would I like a place I could call my own.

Have a conservation on the telephone.

Wake up everyday that would be a start.

I would not complain about my wounded heart.

I was upset you see, almost all the time.

You used to be a stranger, now you are mine.

How I imagine I’d feel travelling and living next to a beautiful beach.

Lady Gaga – Bad Romance

This song makes me feel sexy, it doesn’t matter how many times I hear it.

It has pure sex appeal.

I want your love, love, love, love, I want your love.

And I think Lady Gaga is amazing.

You know that I want you

And you know that I need you.

Because I’m a free bitch baby.

The XX – Crystallised

I really love this band.

They are so chilled out yet so emotional.

I love the male/female vocals.

It works so well.

Don’t think that I’m pushing you away.

When you’re the one I’ve kept closest.

The Cribs – Cheat On Me

I could be someone else if you’d rather?

Try to win you over like a new stepfather.

Picture the scene so you don’t have to spell it out for me.

Because things go together better than others.

Manic depression and hyper sexuality.

Stereophonics – Getaway

Because actually I really want to just get away from everything.

I don’t care that it means I’m running away.

Maybe I want to runaway.

Fly in my getaway, gotta get away.

The Buzzcocks – Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)

Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone you shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with?

Yes, The Buzzcocks hailed from Leigh.

Rock and Roll.

Oasis – Songbird

Gonna write a song so she can see, give her all the love she gives to me

Talk of better days that have yet to come, never felt this love from anyone, she’s not anyone.

I had the good fortune of seeing Oasis live before they split, in the Summer of 2009.

This song can always reduce me to tears.

Only because it’s so beautiful.

Fall Out Boy – Fame <>

When I’m home alone I just dance by myself.

And you pull my hips so close volume goes with the truth.

Signing off, I’m alright in bed but I’m better with a pen.

You can never doubt the Wentz.

I’m addicted to the way I feel when I think of you.

There’s too much green to feel blue.

Band Of Skulls – Friends

Maybe I’ve been living for the weekend?

Because this song is clearly about an amazing Friday night in the Lux.

Every Friday just about midnight all my problems seem to disappear.

And making out on Friday nights.

My Chemical Romance – Vampires Will Never Hurt You

Another ‘I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love’ classic.

Vampires and love.

All the rage.

And as always innocent

Like a roller coaster fatality

Like ghosts in the snow.

busy being the corpse in your bathtub

Dear You,

Love is busy tearing me apart and all i think of is you.

This reeks of a lost summer.

Thank god I've got Hornby and Tequila.

I have more to say but not enough energy.

See you on the other side?