I just fell in love with Kelly Clarkson...there should be more songs like this.

Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since You Been Gone
You dedicated
You took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since You Been Gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But Since You Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, Yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since You Been Gone
How can I put it?
You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, Yeah
Since You Been Gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way
You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, Out of mind
Shut your mouth
I just can't take it
Again
And again
And again
And again!

I've so moved on.

news just in...

smiles back kids.
took a while but im okay again.
tell you later.
promise.x

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Get The Fuck Off My Panties"

oh i forgot to say
said i loved you
but i lied.
i have such a way with words.
i finally found what i was good at.
my smiles your rope
wrap it tight around your throat darling

Baby, i'd rather be lonely in love, than alive with you and fucking dead

ive been asked to write some lyrics
and to in fact sing them
dont laugh too loud
i may hear you...
and for once believe me.
im lost for words
i dont know what i should write a song about
contained in this journal
i bet there's a full albums worth of lyrics
but i just dont know where to start
and i cant ever see myself on stage, singing.
i can see myself acting
or on the runway
but just dont singing.
hes crazy to think i can actually do it
but what i do know is that this summer i'm gona start my novel
its gona just be about my life upto now.
but im gona change all the names.
and make it a tad more interesting.
your so brilliant
dont you forget.
its true when they say we're the children of the heartbreak generation
the kids that live and die by the pinkie promises
we're so lucky to have what we have
and few of us dont appriate it.
life is indeed what we make of it.
i had a better idea
listen to from under the cock tree for a year
and think about the time my makeup stained your pillow case.
you'll never be the same.
Of All The Vodka Bars In Wigan
i can feel that winning smile of mine creeping back already.
I Slept With Lily Mae And All I Got Was This Stupid Journal Entry Written About Me
i could do this all night.
infact i may well do.
boys like you are so overrated.
suprising it took me this long to see.
winning smiles back.
Chicago Is So Gonna Be In Two Years Time.
i hope this curse on your lips tastes of me forever.

Be the one im waiting for?

"We all want to die like movie stars"
You said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor.
While above us,
glowing,
exploding,
our dreams burst forth in light in death.
Hold me and tell me...
"We'll burn like stars. We'll burn as we fall. Watch as the city lights dance for us"
i guess id rather die than fade away.
5 A.M. on the bathroom floor from the night before.
Do you find me dreadful?
What a shame such a sad disgrace,
Such a pretty face,
But she's not regretful.
Am I beautiful?
Am I usable?
3 A.M. on the city street,
When the air is sweet,
I've had my mouth full.
But it seems that outside the screen
Such a pretty face often will look dreadful.
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Poison hearts will never change, walk away again
quod ut lacrima cado ex meus eyes. vos qua unus
we'll incontrare ancora non sapere
dove non sapere quando solo io sapere
we'll incontrare ancora
Once again your eyes make it hard to say goodbye
So i'll just keep driving
Where do you wanna go?
It doesn't really matter as long as you are here with me
There's something in the air tonight
Something that makes me feel alive
What were the words that you said to me
That made me feel so special
Once again your eyes make it hard to ask you why
So i sit here knuckles tight
Hands against the wheel
Your head against the glass and you mean so much to me
Stay with me
Cigarettes and open air
hand in hand
i said stay with me
cuz every star that i see is brighter than the last
so stay with me
its all we need
say goodbye
never say goodbye
holding on we've gotta try
holding on to never say goodbye

i found this, its from April...

And Lily Mae doesn’t know what to say for change
Her heart rings true
But she doesn’t know what to ring about
Does she ring about the unfairness
Or the unfairness of girls whose mothers have cancer
In the bathroom is where I want you
Yes you
The one you thought id forgot you
The one that hits the spot
Madly in love
Be a gentleman and charming
Go slow
I dont want to be in love
I dont want to fall in love
In the bathroom is where id have you
Its where id shag you
A place so tacky
A place you'd love.
Tell me everything turns out okay?
Does she believe in the dreams we talked about
And with no music we danced.

this feels like it relates to now.
real update later.x

i had the notion that you'd make me change my ways

all we are is empty promises
and fake smiles
happy fronts while we die inside
i guess thats just the way the world works
i dont wana talk anymore
im still not done spilling my tears for you
my front told me i was
my heart wasnt ready to stop
after everything ive been through
and still nothing works out for me
i bet someone out there has all my luck
all my happy times
and im stuck with all there bad luck
and all there sad times
well i hope that person truly loves everything they have
because i would kill for it
im about to fail my first year at uni
dont try to tell me im not
because i am.
i know i am.
and i cant even live out next year.
my mums ill again.
just as we think shes getting better
shes ill again.
thank god for small mercys as least shes not hospital ill again.
but shes still ill
and shes not gona get better.
no matter what anyone says
and then him.
i know all anyone can say hes not worth it
and no-one can see why im so upset.
but i did really like him
i opened upto him
i knew it was all ending in summer
but i never expected it to get cut short
and with it getting cut short
it changed everything
it changed the romance
the way we would spend the last night together
how it was something other than us pulling us apart
how it was a notebook romance
its all gone
the bond we shared
the laughs
and tears
all i seem to have is my friends
but there all wrapped up in whos shagging who
and plus they all have there own problems and issues to deal with.
so i guess nobody knows but me
someone told me they admire me today
i wouldnt admire me
i wish i could
but i wouldnt
a wise man once told me to never give up
here i am 19 years into it
and giving up is the easiest thing to do
but walking away is still the hardest thing to do
i want to thank my cutie american sweetheart
for doing everything right today
without even realising it.
voicemails to tell me something amazing when i wake up
and phone calls to stop my tears from falling.
perfect timing
i love you more.
promise.
sweet dreams

i dont need you

im good to go
but its not like im going anywhere fast.
or soon.
a week tomorrow
he'll be gone.
and become nothing but a vivid memory.
cross my heart
so after long contemplation.
i have decided.
theres just no room in my life for a man
im such a busy girl
i wana go out with my friends
watch bands
write
of course ive got to work
and go to uni.
all this while trying to be Miss Wigan
and persue a journalism career.
theres just no room for some prat whos trying to hold me down.
today is a new start.
i know its like 7pm
but its never to late for a fresh start
tidy room
uni work
early night
early start
uni libary
i dont need a man
im over you.

she cried so hard at 2am

last night i sat outside for about 2 hours
around the time of 2am
it was so peaceful
perfect
i came to some conclusions
and i wrote a prose.

i almost said i love you when we we're on the beach
even if for a second
i wish you felt that way about me
just once
and the same sky we will both always look at
tonight i sit and pick apart your words
and over analysis your pictures
if i ripped your heart apart at the seams maybe then you would know how i feel
dont go worrying about me
its not like i think about you constantly
maybe i do
but that shouldnt affect you
its not like it ever did
i let you get the best of me
but life goes on without you
and my world still turns when your not around
its just a shame that all the words i have to say
will never leave my mouth.

so why is this so hard to just give to you.

the words just arnt coming out right tonight

all i can do is listen to depressing songs.
and pretend they where written about me
and also think about if i should text you or not.
i want to see you.
as much as i can before you leave.
but how can i tell you that?
i think so much of you
but i know you dont feel the same
we shouldnt be used to let downs.
it should work so we can have what we want.
but if we did that
we wouldnt appriate what we would end up with.

and this story is about love, the man i loved is...

my head is fucked.
my heart is broke.
all thats left to do is finish the story
and the fairytale
and of course
write about it.
we all know the ending
and its no happy one.
it never was going to be.
i knew it would end up this way.
we both did.
the greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return.
i want you to invite me to stay with you.
for us to long email each other every month
with whats new.
what sucks.
how we miss each other.
i know you still feel the same
i can see it in your eyes.
and i can read you like a book.
like you said we were living together at one point.
...left and leaving

a short story with a tragic ending.

and in living for the moment.
the band aids just fell off i guess.
good job i have the best of friends to stick them back again.
we always knew it would end up this way.
but we didnt seem to care at the time.
well i guess i didnt.
but with one kiss.
these lips could never lie.
why did you kiss me?
i'll never understand.
and i'll never know.
because i'll never ask.
all my makeup cant hide the fact that you'll be gone soon.
and you wont be coming back.
i miss you quite terrible.
i fell in love.
in love with you suddenly.
and there is no place else i could be.
but here in your arms.
i wonder if you ever read this.
i wonder how your ego reacts.
tonight i will shine
but you wont see.
i doubt you'll be there.
did i ever ask...
where is your heart?
does it even still beat in that cave you call a chest?
and she smiles sweetly as he walks by.
she contiunes to look forward.
and he glaces back at her.
wishing she was still his.

I cant give up, its just not in my nature.

If you have to leave.
Let it go.
And if it's these dreams that keep you awake.
If you have to leave.
Just let it go.
Walk away.
And the waiting is the hardest thing to take.
In a moment more before we break into two.
I need a fairytale dont I.

"I wish there was something I could say,
To erase each and every page you've been through,
Even though it's not my place to save you,
I won't stand aside and listen to you give up,
If you just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have,
If you just hold on, just hold on,
These arms remain stretched out to you,
Maybe someday you'll accept them,
Or maybe it's too late to save.
A young girl's heart that's long stopped beating,
Wake up, wake up, you've gotta believe,
Wake up, wake up, you can't give up,
Time keeps going on without us,
Long after we're dead and gone
If you just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have,
If you just hold on, just hold on,
If you just hold on for one more second,
Just hold on to what you have,
If you just hold on, just hold on,
You will wake up tomorrow."

This song saved me tonight.

Things are gonna change now for the better Lil, promise.

i want to break every clock.
i want to be your last first kiss.
i have men forming a line to date me.
but i cant understand why.
and i dont really like it.
at all.
i'm still busy searching.
and to be honest.
i dont think hes out there.
but i wont settle for anything less.
only him.
and do you remember when cardboard boxes could take us miles?
there is no mathematics when it comes to love.
and loss.
is it over now?
its not over now.
its over now.
two months felt like years.
the night was young.
so where we.
we didnt want any promises.
i only wanted you to miss me a little bit.
All hail the heartbreaker.
the truth is ive never fallen so hard.
its took everything in me to forget your sweater so far.

let it never be said that the romance is dead

and she screams
cold blooded murder.
we draw hearts on out hands
arms
legs
stomachs
but never in our heads.
where too scared for that.
we're young.
we live once.
we live to tell our tales.
and we die for our dreams.
our young hearts should run free.
but 99% of youths wont let them.
we all want something we cant have.
and when we get it.
it isnt really what we wanted in the first place.
for example.
i'd love to makeout with Pete Wentz.
if i ever do
it will be a big let down.
i promise.
because when you want something like that.
its always a let down.
life wouldnt be worth living if it wasnt a challange.
so grab every moment by the balls.
and capture it in a photograph.
or at least a mental one.
never forget the tears you split over the boys you dated.
so when you meet the love of your life.
he can give them all back in laugher and smiles.
romance might be dead.
but in the corner of my mind.
its singing
dont give up
dont let go
someone will kiss you so hard
you'll heart will melt.
someone will do something great
that will make your legs jelly.
someone will make amazing love to you
that will make you fall so hard.
someone will love you with all there heart
and all there soul.
you'll just have to marry them.
dont give up kiddo.
you've got the world at your feet.

short and (notso)sweet. a tad like you

and just like any other
today has been a funny old day.
yesterday was maybe worse.
a fat tart of a hooker.
i do feel those where the words to describe little old me.
for once.
i think i wish i was someone else.
but i do know i always want to be somewhere else.
im kinda getting sick of dating
and wondering
and wasting time.
its crazy but i just wana meet the right person now.
and be done with it.
i dont wana fuck around.
trying not to get hurt.
believeing ever single lie.
part of me wants to scream.
'if my writings so good why am i getting no where fast.'
dear me.
'if im so pretty why am i single'
'why am i alone?'
'Why am i not a model'
its 3am and we are far from being on the floor again.
god damn.
today i came to the conclusion
im in love with the idea of being in love.
you know what i never asked.
Where the fuck is your heart?

and as i climb into an empty bed...

oh well.
enough said.
i have more to say today.
much more.
often i've said my life would make an amazing novel.
often i am right.
and as he yells from the closet door.
why are you on your own tonight.
if your so pretty.
if your so funny.
if your so clever.
i know its over.
love is nateral and real.
but not for people like us.
not for those cases.
when you open up to someone.
its scary.
what if they dont like the real you.
the flaws.
the bits that wobble.
the mood swings.
the issues.
the extra baggage.
but we all have to let someone know the real us.
the bit we hide.
because we all have little secrets.
that we really do need to share.
want to know one of my dirty little dark secrets?
nah cuz then it wouldnt be a secret now would it.
i dance and sing in the shower.
i am the biggest stresshead in the world.
i sulk when i dont get all my own way.
i have terrible pms.
when i need space.
i need space.
i freak when someone gets close to me.
or falls in love with me.
but i just want to fall in love.
im well obessed with the idea.
please dont ask me how that works.
my biggest secret?
i have a 'sad' playlist.
all the depressing shit i listen to when im upset.
mainly before i go to bed.
nah that wasnt my biggest.
my hearts always on my sleeve.
and my heads never in the same place.
if you could be anyone in the whole world?
who would you be?
i'd be me.
i'd be Laura.
maybe i'd be thinner.
and shorter.
and have more confidence.
and bigger boobs.
nah i wouldnt.
then i wouldnt be me.
and last night i dreamt somebody loved me.
no hope
or harm
just another false alarm.
this story might be old.
and it might go on.
but thats why im good with words.
i'm gona re-write the story.
with my words.
and to the heartbreak kids...
band-aids for all.

contempt for things are zero.

usually i have a million and one things to say.
usually i can bitch and argue.
usually i can be full of joy
and usually i can cry.
its save to say i dont know whats going on with me.
i dont have any contempt for my words anymore.
for my thoughts.
for my feelings.
and espically you.
how many times can you stamp on Lilys heart.
i'm sure thats what they all get told.
winner gets a prize.
i wish i could find someone who understood.
someone who got it.
someone who got me.
someone to save me.
and take care of me.
i want to see the most beautiful place on earth
and i want to see it with the most amazing man in the world.
note to self: where is the most beautiful place on earth.
note to self: amazing men dont think your hot.
how could this happen to me.
and in chicago at 7.30am
a young boy texts to say 'i love you'
these three words are said too much
but never enough.
falling in love is so dumb.
never do it.
i wont be doing it ever again.
once was enough for me.
my eyes are tired.
my heart is weak.
my body aches.
i hate this feeling.
its back.
knew it wouldnt take long.

its nice to know that you where there.
thanks for acting like you cared
and making me feel like the only one.
thanks for watching as i falled
and letting me know we where done.

to the girls.

and it hits her like a tonne of bricks
well Lilian.
You never saw that one coming.
nevermind.
i had a lifetime of things to write.
now i just dont.
back to the things that matter.
what am i wearing tonight?!
thanks ladies.
i'd be a mess without you.
role on the goodtimes.
the nights out.
the cute guys.
the nights in.
the cute guys.
the shots.
the cute guys.
the vodka.
the cute guys.
the dance offs.
the cute guys.
the myspace poses.
the cute guys.
the malibu.
the cute guys.
DingDong.x

he always want it always to be about him...men...

anti climax of the year.
right here.
wearing your heart on your wrist is where its at these days.
metaphor and half.
im making demands.
when im home alone.
and no-ones watching.
i dance by myself.
and you pull my hips so close.
my body can only whisper the truth.
im fairly content.
i dont have anything to winge about.
or moan.
theres no point really i guess.
i was compared to a notebook romance today.
i know you where all thinking it.
i was too.
i wrote a huge post before.
but the computer crashed.
so you'll never get to see it.