Dying to share our problems, make everything alright?

Don't you like to write journals?
I do, because it's such a swell way to keep from working and yet feel like you've done something.
I decided to write this journal entry because of course,
i'd rather not work,
but i'd like to feel like i've done something.
My life has a tendency to fall apart when i'm awake.
you know?
like a nightmare, but with no sleep.
like the sleep without the dream.
Tired girls need to rest there weary heads and dream of candy canes, sweethearts and childhood dreams long gone.
Theres always some reason why we cant though.
sometimes i pause to think why should anybody be interested in some girl,
with fancy words,
and heart of gold?
i wish i had big boobs.
blonde hair.
and was a size 8.
maybe i'd have more chance of winning.
but ive got being real on my side.
and i can write it better than you could have felt it.
score to me.
but remember.
no friend is as loyal as a book.
thats why i want to write the novel that could be your best friend.
the novel that makes you feel better about your life.
something to make you laugh and cry.
hell i'll just write it about me.
nobodys there when i get home.
im watching movies on my own.
your photos on my bedroom wall.
i sit here waiting for your call.
i hate to say goodbye.
maybe what i feel.
you feel inside.

she might be pretty, but im good in bed.

i didnt know you still wrote about me.
i like it when you do.
it makes me smile.
like beam.
like freeze a big dorky smile on my face =)

im starting to believe in fairy tales.
no so much the ones with a happy ending.
more like the brothers grimm type.
i guess.
i'm going to miss you so much.
its crazy.
but you know what.
its true.
why is it we get on so well?
but i dont care.
you make me smile when i think about you.
i love the way you cuddle me.
move the hair from my eyes.
and just look at me.
i wish i knew what you where thinking when you looked at me.
they often say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
i often think thats true.
my tummy does little flips when i think of you.
or maybe thats the swishing of the booze from the night before.
either way, its nice.
i want to say it.
but i dont.
things get fucked up when you say it.
ill finish this another day.
ive gotta go clean up.
signing off.x

its pretty intense, i feel kinda crazy, you know?

The fact you read this and you liked it makes me smile.
That fact it make you smile makes my tummy feel fuzzy.
The fact you think i'm good at this fills me with pride.
You say fairytales are about girls like me.
I dont tend to believe you.
You say i deserve my own fairytale.
I'm not pretty enough and i have too many problems.
You say i'm really pretty.
I tend to just write them, i'm never in them.
You say it worked for cinders, with all her problems, so why not me?
Your right.
Do you think we'll look back on this and smile.
And remember that time we stayed up all night talking about nothing.
Laughing so hard, tears fell from my eyes.
Going to the beach and swimming in the cold.
Do you think this will have a happy ending?
Just like the fairytales do.
Just like cinderella.
I may give you one of my shoes.
To make sure.
Either way.
i'm glad i meet you.
and if this all ends in tears.
which it probebly will.
i'll be glad.
I met you where nobody knew my name,
And our spark quickly turned into a flame.
I can't get you off my mind.
And I don't want to know why.
I dont remember the first words that you said
Or how we even ended up together.
It's complicated, but I'm not frustrated.
When the sun burns up,
And the ocean dries out.
When the moon falls down,
From the black night sky.
And the stars fade out,
promise you wont forget me?

Duopoly

Do you like the feel of my name on your lips?
Do you like the sound of my kiss?
And the way that my fingers run through your hair?
How my scent lingers even when i'm not there?
Do you like the way my eyes dance when I laugh?
And how i enjoy those two-hour baths?
Could I convince you to dance in the rain with me?
And have everyone watching thinking we were insane?
Do you like the innocent way that I cry at soppy old movies i've seen hunderds of times?

i like the way you move the hair away from my eyes and kiss me.
the way you hold my hand.
and the way you sing off-key.
i like the way you let me sleep on your chest.
but i dont like the way you take up all the bed and snore =)
the way you just let me talk to you.
and you listen, or at least pretend to listen.
i like the way you make fun of me just to make us laugh.
the way we pull faces
and laugh so hard my tummy hurts.
above all i like the way we're friends.

this is going to make for one intense novel.
my writing skills never stop to amazing me.
the journal.
much?
maybe?

why i hate timezones...

that post went in the wrong place.
motherfucking timezones.
grrrrrr.
now its all in the wrong order.

tell me i'm a bad girl, tell me an angel, take this to my grave.x

im in need of a fresh start.
is hard understanding im incomplete?
but i am not afraid to keep on living.
or to walk this world alone.
its going to happen.
a wise man once told me that anything was possible.
i almost believed him.
a stupid boy once told me i was beautiful.
i didnt believe him.
and someone told me today i wasn't a nobody.
and for a slight second.
i was filled with hope.
is anything possible?
i see a story book ending ahead of me.
but not the good type.
the notebook type.
but the middle.
where the lovers are pulled apart for 15 years.
the best thinks it too.
we cant all be wrong
well i was looking for my noah.
would you have the guts to say,
i dont love you,
like i loved you yesterday.
would you?
in the game of life.
what do you think matters most.
the past?
the present?
or the future?
do we really care about the ex files?
past behaviour?
do we really care what people think?
or if good sex is enough?
and are we really too caught up with being wifes and mothers?
i'm not.
i dont care about the ex files.
theres a reason why we break up with them.
past behaviour.
hmmm.
usually a good chance to judge present behaviour.
but nope, doesnt matter to me.
unless your a serial killer of your current partners.
but in that case, you'd be in prison.
for what people think.
yes and no.
i dont give a fuck if you think im some common scum bag who rambles too much.
you're not really a concern to me.
but deep down i'll cry if you cut me deep.
not that you'll ever see.
good sex is never enough.
fact.
you've got to be able to laugh together.
cry together.
sleep in the same bed together.
fight together.
get wasted together.
and be more than just lovers together.
good sex is the basis of a fuck buddy relationship.
fact.
and i'm not caught up in being someones wife or a mother.
because we fall in love. (use the term loosely.)
get married.
pop a few sprogs.
get our menopause.
the kids leave.
you get a divorce.
and hate each other.
not usually in that order.
some life?
in conclusion.
i'm living for the now.
not the tomorrow.
not the yesterday.
for now.
for this moment.
for the smiles.
and frowns.
for the laughs.
and tears.
for the friends.
and the enemies.
for the 6-1 victorys.
for the blonde moments.
for watching the birds and talking about bullshit.
for being indepth.
and shallow.
for the sea.
for the memories.
the hopes.
and the dreams.
for the things you want.
and the things you dont.
for dancing in your underwear.
for singing in the mirror with a hairbrush.
for having a messy room.
and messy hair.
for saying things at the wrong time.
and wishing you'd never said them at all.
for crying because i'm a softy.
for the cuddles in the mirror.
for making long lists.
and for smiling when doing so.
sorry.
n/a. guess who you is?
a clue. its not you dear.

scatch that, start again.

i thought i wanted curry.
turns out i didnt.
i had a nice day today.
but i often wish you would read this.
so you could see what i really think, feel and want.
i read your journal but i gave up.
i dont think it was about me anymore.
isnt it funny how things change.
i found some past entrys from when i couldnt get to my journal.
here they are for your reading pleasure.

I hate it when my internet doesn’t work.
It feels like my worlds come crashing down around me head.
And my key to the word has been stolen.
Last night was awesome.
I needed it.
We had fun.
Danced.
And loved life.
I felt a million dollars and no one was going to piss on my parade.
I look terrible right about now.
I think its back to bed with me.
Fancy it?
Only until 11 though.
That gives me 35 minutes.
Power nap much?
Miss Mae signing out.
For now…

Why is it mothers are always right?
She says im all about the chase.
To say she was wrong would be a lie.
Shes about 90% right.
Who can blame me?

I lie so much.
Its untrue.
Ive spent the last week getting drunk.
And being high.
Totes takes the pain away.
And the world.
I want to write a whole post in my chem. Lyrics.
They amaze me so.
That’s what I wanted to do last night,
But I didn’t,
I love u so.
Your intense.x

i find it intresting to read past posts.
makes me smile and frown.
so its all good.
i thought i knew what i wanted to write, but things are really confusing.
and i dont know where i am anymore.
urgh.
i didnt have this feeling today.
why do i have it now!

i was thinking

over thinking.
i was thinking, overthinking.
about how im not really her.
i think way to much.
on a one track mind.
sometimes i think romance is dead.
dial 155 and call it up baby.
so worth it.
i love how lily allen well cheers me up.
makes me wanna dance in my knickers in front of the mirror.
and pretend im a star.
with my fake london accent, and terrible voice.
=)
i always wonder why i have itunes on shuffle.
i always skip to what i want to listen to anyway.
summers just going to be like a jacks mannequin song.
i can tell.
a holiday from real.
im fair excited.
i look for work today
im spilling out the door.
putting my glasses on so no one sees me.
i never thought that id be living on your floor.
but the rents are high and LAs easy.
its a picture of perfection
and the postcards gona read.
'fuck yeah, we can live like this.'
we'll fry our brains and write its so much fun out here.
being poor was never better.
some cheap red wine.
all the trouble we could get in
so lets screw this one up right, yeah?
ill come back for another year.
hahaha.
wecanalltellitsthetimeofthemonthimupanddownlikeayoyo.
urgh.
im just in the mood for writing.
i want to go to the beaccccch.
like now.
and look at the stars.
how rad would that be really.
just grab a jacket, some shoes.
and go to the beach and look at the stars.
put our feet in the sea and pretend were someplace else.
other than the dining room table.
other than whereever you are.
lets do it?
want too?

its been one of those days.

lily mae.
posters fall down more than you fall in love.
5'9
model material.not.
drinks like a fish.
swears like a trooper.
partys hard and lets the good times role.
has an obession with love.
and falling into it.
im convinced it can be better than it was.
if its meant to be.
it sure as hell will be.
my eyes are heavy and my heart is broke.
my legs are long and my patience short.
im only good at writing fairy tails.
not being in them.
things like that never happen to girls like me.
kiss me in the rain.
never call it quits

for kicks, for laughs, just to confuse you

isnt it funny how you can never get things to work.
im in the miss wigan top 50.
vote for me.
http://www.modeluk.com/Show.php?Page=Applications&ApplicationID=5655
i wont win.
things are so confusing.
its mental.
like butterflys on doorsteps.
like angels on window ledges.
who the fuck knows.
promise you'll sponser me and stick by me.
i cant do this alone.
i'm so not ready.
i'v had a funny week.
doesnt really fit into words.
it's been up and down.
and down and up.
make it work.
for kicks.
for promises?
love you.
love me?
miss me?
miss you.x

yawn

im not sure how i feel today.
good or bad.
what happens when it stops?
i dont wana know.
i saw a video today.
it made my heart skip a beat.
im so in love with this band.
it could hurt.
somedays i feel like i dont have much to say.
much of any value.
much that matters.
much that you wanna hear.
i wana go to the beach so bad.
i wana walk down the beach until it gets dark.
then sit in the sand and look at the stars.
im still looking for my noah.
jump out at me?
i'll give you a fiver?
deal.

everynights the same story.

life is so strange.
i spend a lot of time thinking about that.
and about who really does read this.
i want to be a model.
is that silly?
i want to walk the runway.
i want little girls to spend there days looking at me in glossys.
and saying, 'mummy isn't she beautiful.'
you're right.
you always are.
vodka starts my problems.
and it numbs them too.
thankfully.
some days i just want a cuddle.
some days i want to make love all day.
i'm going to show this new underwear to the whole world.
mondays not gona make much sense.
but does it ever.
my life makes for a great novel.
write me.
lipstick shades on pillow cases.
love and lust together.
promise me it was never about that?
yours
Lily 'fuckhead' Mae.x

and as we say our long goodbyes, i nearly die

i said i was going to bed.
i lied.
even though i need to.
i often wonder what people think of me.
do they see the me i see.
or someone different.
the girl i see when i look in the mirror isnt what you would think.
see i think you see a:
pretty,
happy,
content,
loving,
interesting,
slim,
young women.
maybe thats too over the top.
i mean calling myself pretty is egotisic right?
wrong.
because thats not what i see.
that is the preception i have of what you see.
based on what i am told.
but what i see is different.
i look in the dirty smeered mirror and see:
uglyness.
tiredness.
spots.
sad.
discontent.
trapped.
tears.
alchoholic.
young but dead inside women.
its all so negative.
but all so true.
someone once told me anything is possible.
i perhaps believed it for a moment.
like a flare of light cast upon a dark merky sea.
it faded fast just like the flare.
i dont know how to slove this.
or make it right.
i want to run.
run to chicago.
but how would that make me feel.
i'd have no money.
no job.
and sleeping on a sofa.
thats not my dream.
i want to walk the red carpet.
to be beautiful.
to smile and wave.
to make an impact.
to change one life, or a million.
to love.
and be loved.
Just like Allie and Noah.
To laugh and learn.
to be someone.
not just anyone.
to be a pinup.
to have an america summer.
to watch a flower grow.
and a child born.
to walk the aisle in white.
to drive the coast for a year.
to shake your hand.
as you look into my eyes and smile.
i want to graduate.
i want all these things.
but they seem so far away.
much like the flare.
much like the ocean air.
much like tomorrow morning.
much like a fresh start.
breath new life into me?
i need it right about now.

when forgettings too much

so i wrote a post last night.
but my top crashed.
so you'll never get to see it,
and i'll never see it again.
i wish i could remember it.

£40...anyone?

a birthday,
a new start.
a new end.
goodbye my lover.
listen to that,
and think of me.
i do.
theres not enough vodka in this world to right the wrong.
i dont know what to get.
dreams of you and me.
do u have the same dreams too.
come on.
im a slut.
you know it.
i do too.
birthdays dont get much easier.
i wanna run far from here.
in the rain.
4am and i still cant sleep.
broken again.

this summer is going to be epic.

ive never laughed so much at 3.30am
knacked.
hahahaha.
im pretty much in love with you.
and your voice mails.
and your texts.
and your calls.
your accent turns me on totally.
'the voicemail lady is on crack'
water....you gay.
you sound like a londener...
you geek.
you do sound austrialian....lots and lots and lots and lots.
right.
lol.
your so baddd.lol
you so cant do it.
i cant wait for the summer
you're right.
it's gona be epic.

Listen to take this to your grave for a week,

and find someone else.
landing on a runway in chicago.
bring on the good times.
tonight these headphones will give you these words that i cant say.
i'm writing you from a million miles away.
tonight is all about i miss you.
infact just listen to fall out boy for a week.
and forget your troubles.
wear me like a locket around your throat.
i promise you i will hold you down and i'll watch you choke.
i cant wait to wake up and see you lying naked next to me.
and all our clothes scattered on your bedroom floor.
i want it that way.
but i dont need a man to make me happy.
i dont need a ring around my finger to complete me.
just you remember that.