and as we say our long goodbyes, i nearly die

i said i was going to bed.
i lied.
even though i need to.
i often wonder what people think of me.
do they see the me i see.
or someone different.
the girl i see when i look in the mirror isnt what you would think.
see i think you see a:
pretty,
happy,
content,
loving,
interesting,
slim,
young women.
maybe thats too over the top.
i mean calling myself pretty is egotisic right?
wrong.
because thats not what i see.
that is the preception i have of what you see.
based on what i am told.
but what i see is different.
i look in the dirty smeered mirror and see:
uglyness.
tiredness.
spots.
sad.
discontent.
trapped.
tears.
alchoholic.
young but dead inside women.
its all so negative.
but all so true.
someone once told me anything is possible.
i perhaps believed it for a moment.
like a flare of light cast upon a dark merky sea.
it faded fast just like the flare.
i dont know how to slove this.
or make it right.
i want to run.
run to chicago.
but how would that make me feel.
i'd have no money.
no job.
and sleeping on a sofa.
thats not my dream.
i want to walk the red carpet.
to be beautiful.
to smile and wave.
to make an impact.
to change one life, or a million.
to love.
and be loved.
Just like Allie and Noah.
To laugh and learn.
to be someone.
not just anyone.
to be a pinup.
to have an america summer.
to watch a flower grow.
and a child born.
to walk the aisle in white.
to drive the coast for a year.
to shake your hand.
as you look into my eyes and smile.
i want to graduate.
i want all these things.
but they seem so far away.
much like the flare.
much like the ocean air.
much like tomorrow morning.
much like a fresh start.
breath new life into me?
i need it right about now.