The reality of Boy Unsure.

Sometimes we need a reality check.
When our world is falling apart around us, someone has it much worse then we could ever imagine.
I returned to working away when Boy Unsure told me he didn't want me in his life.
Of course, heartbroken.
It's natural.
I'd convinced myself he had potential. I enjoyed his company. I enjoyed his words. I enjoyed his talents.
I liked to look at him, in the least creepiest way ever.
I liked whenever he woke up his hair was always a mess, no matter what.
I liked this strange birthmark he had on his bum that I never told him I knew about.
I liked that he had passion. Passion is something lots of people lack.
I liked the way he looked, for me, a rarity. I actually fancied the pants off him, I really did.
I had insane urges to just jump on him and kiss him for hours.
And of course, to do the other things lovers do for hours.
I liked that he had a life that didn't need me.
It matched my life.
I liked how he was busy.
I'm always busy.
But ultimately, I wasn't enough.
Who I am. What I stand for. How I look. Just wasn't enough.
And I couldn't accept that when I returned to my temporary home.
But I returned to some terrible news.
The owner of my temporary home had passed away during the Easter Holidays.
I was heartbroken over a man I had barely known for four months and somebody had lost a husband of 40 years, somebody had lost a father, somebody had lost a grandad and lots of people had lost a friend.
I felt pathetic.
Death is probably the only thing that can make you rethink everything.
Such a sad, delicate time.
A time when no-one actually knows what happens next and something that must happen to everyone at some point, we just have no idea when.
I was touched by how this family handled death.
Death is the next adventure, not the end.
It made me think deeply about my situation.
I still get to speak to Boy Unsure, if i want to, if he wants to speak to me.
He still gets to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night.
If I really cared about him the way I thought I did. I should be thankful for that.
Life is so short, fragile and limited by everything and everyone.
And really, if someone doesn't want you, it's really not the end of your world. It's just a moment.
Of course, it's both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply but life is far too short to be miserable, even if you feel like being miserable.
Eat, drink, smile and love often. Especially when you're down on love. Love anyway. Love with all of your heart because loving and supporting another living thing will make the world a much better place.
Be positive. The right one is out there somewhere. Just wanting to fall in love with your crazy ways, just waiting to face every single challenge with you, holding your hand, cheering you on, being your team mate and your partner in crime. Laughing at the way, you must always type all of your feelings onto a stupid blog and loving every single word you type and reading in awe at how secretly talented you really are. Loving those tiny wrinkles around your eyes that you hate and poking fun at the hints of your grey hair. Listening to you stress about every aspect of your job, despite the fact you're wonderful at it. Making love to you in the middle of the night, when you should definitely be asleep.
But until this made up mystery man comes crashing into my life (because I can guarantee if he's meant for me, he won't do anything by halves), keep smiling.
Everything is a blessing or a lesson.
And Boy Unsure, he was a blessing. A weird one. I will miss someone not taking my shit and giving me a different perspective on life. I will miss passion and I will miss long conversations in kitchens.
But you can't always be right.
Actually, he had a good shower too, I'll miss that bit the most.
Now onward,
We have miles to go and promises to keep.

Boy Unsure

If she reached into her chest and hacked her heart out, that still wouldn't be enough.
You would still be careless, unsure, unaware.
Yet she talks about you like you put the stars in the sky because for that brief moment, for her, you did.
But now the best you could ever hope to be is now just a bitter sweet memory.
She will tiptoe into the friendzone.
Hanging, clinging, secretly fighting.
Until the feeling disappears and you become just another guy.
Imagine being told you're just not that important.
You just don't want to spend of every hour of every day with her because she's just not right.
When for her, you start the butterfly riot in her stomach.
She would cross oceans for you, yet you wouldn't even drive two hours to be with her.
She looked into his eyes and felt the tingle. That feeling. It locked on and gnawed away at her.
What will she do now?
You are the fox and she is just the rabbit.